Out Of The Loop

apparently. after a long hiatus from my already half-assed music endeavours (the half assedness particularly refers to the guitar in general and in this case), i decided i wanted to get some tabs for some decembrists songs.... eli the barrowboy in particular and possibly, we both go down together. anyway, its irrelevant WHAT songs i was looking for, what is important is the fact that apparently i am out of the loop because theres been some sort of controversy as to whether posting guitar tabs online is legal or not. what is the deal with that? i mean arguments against stealing MP3s, i totally understand, but putting the chords up? what is wrong with that? its not illegal to play someone else's music... its not like you could pass it off as your own... and its not like youre taking something physically from the band and making money off it, i dunno. i dont know the details on this business, but apparently i cannot get tabs at this juncture. however, nikolai was SHOCKED at the fact that i dont learn music by ear, a skill i was never very keen on developing... perhaps the time is now. i dont know very many guitar chords though.... ive thought of two approaches for attempting to learn these songs by ear.... 1) i could figure out the melody on teh guitar to figure out what key its in and then fit the appropriate chords to it.... 2) i could figure out the chords on teh piano and then learn them on guitar.... either way, i find myself wondering just HOW MUCH i want to learn these songs. lazy, i know. i think my real problem is that i have this huge upwelling of creativity and inspiration right now, and since im still waiting to recieve my paints, im jsut trying to get it out. hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Food For Thought

Hug o' War By Shel Silverstein

I will not play at tug o' war

I'd rather play at hug o; war

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs,

Where everyone giggles

And rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses,

And everyone grins,

And everyone cuddles

And everyone wins

A Birthday Story

There once was a boy named Amit. amit enjoyed things like animé, asian chicks, and techno music. there was also a girl named chloé. chloé enjoyed things like dancing, swimming, and tea. chloé and amit were brought together one fateful day by a shared interest in botany. after spending a semester working at the same lab bench, chloé and amit persued a friendship, which unearthed all of the fabulous things they had in common, such as their love of movies, bread, cartoons, and dining out. they also learned about all of the ways in which they differ, which makes them compatible friends indeed. anyway, as time went on, the two chums discovered that their birthdays were only ONE DAY APART! which was almost as exciting as discovering they were born on the same day. so, last night, the two friends enjoyed their second annual celebration of their shared birthday. they went to gate of india for dinner, which went very smoothly, compared to the usual sort of thing that happens when they go out. then they proceeded to pepperjack café for open mike night, where they played pool and ran into a certain band that chloé follows around (although this run-in was accidental) and generally had a fabulous time. so happy birthday, amit! may you live to forget this night.

A Legend An English Teacher Once Told Me

the white knight went on a quest. he wanted to destroy the black knight. the white knight lived by the following rules: a white knight doesnt steal, a white knight doesnt kill the innocent, a white knight doesn't take advantage of the less fortunate, a white knight doesn't make false promises, a white knight does not kill the innocent, a white knight doesn't incur debt, a white knight doesn't break the hearts of women. the black knight had broken all of these rules, and so the white knight wanted to defeat him in order to uphold virtue for all. on his journey, the white knight stopped at an inn. the innkeeper had a beautiful daughter, who served the knight his ale. by the end of the night, the daughter had fallen in love with the knight, and she allowed him to lie with her till the morning. in the morning, the knight said, "my darling, i must go, for i am on a quest to uphold virtue. i shall return for you when my journey is over." the innkeeper's daughter could think of nothing to say, but she cried when he left. he left before teh innkeeper was awake, and so was unable to pay his tab. he thought, this innkeeper will not mind my debt, since it was incurred in order to uphold virtue. many days passed on his journey, and the knight was getting weak with hunger. he saw a camp where some poor vagrants were sleeping, and there was a loaf of bread among their posessions. the knight took the bread while they slept. he had no money to leave them, but he thought, this is not stealing, because i am taking this bread so i can continue my quest, so it is necessary to uphold virtue. later on his way, he spied a beast on the side of the road. he assumed the beast would attack his horse, so he shot it with his bow. when he went to retrieve the body, he saw that the creature was not a beast, but an old hag, who had been by the road, begging. he thought, when i shot this hag, i thought she was a beast who would have attacked me, she was killed in order to uphold virtue. finally, the knight approached the summit where he knew the black knight lived. as he came to the top of the hill, he spied another white knight approaching from the other direction. as the first knight lifted his arm to greet the approaching knight, he was struck down by the approaching knight's arrow. when the approaching knight was closer, the first knight said, "my friend! why would you strike down another white knight? are you not on the same quest as i? to destroy the black knight in order to uphold virtue? now my quest will have been in vain" and the other knight said "how can you call me your friend, when you are the very knight i have been questing after to defeat!" and with that, the first knight looked down, and with his dying breath he saw, that over the course of his journey, his shining white armour had rusted and turned to darkest black.

Another Day In Paradise

the light from the refrigerator illuminates groceries i forgot i had. on this early monday morning, i feel like a stranger in my apartment, or maybe like i just got back after an extended absence. this is what my weekend has become: blurry little whirlwinds in my life where this apartment with its mess and my groceries and bad carpets doesnt really seem to exist at all. and then on monday mornings i return from yoga and say hello to my real life, and spend the day readjusting to this place, this life of mine. but for a few minutes, in the quiet as i wait for my water to boil, i feel like i am walking around in a stranger's life, looking at someone else's mess, someone else's groceries, someone else's bad carpets. and i get to be a voyeur of myself, observing my things and the remnants of my behaviour, and i ask myself questions about this person, try to understand what she is like. and then i sit in the silence and drink my tea, and smoke my cigarette, and stare into space and my regular soul finds its way back into me, and i am myself, for another crazy week, before the ghosts of the weekend come to reclaim me again

Disjointed

i drew a picture of a waterfall this week. and i wrote on it, "o, that i could live behind a waterfall. the only calm place in this chaotic space. and all is made silent and drowned in the din, and divinity and peace are all thats left to fill the space youre in" or words to that effect...
i also drew a picture of a lizard today, it was the lizard that the students keep as a pet at the alternative school. the drawing was called pebbles, because apparently thats his name. i learned later that there is some debate as to what the lizards name actually is. i was happy with how the drawing turned out though...
i saw the godfather for the first time today. it was fantastic. i cant wait to watch the rest of them. captivating, really...
theres a plate in the kitchen covered with old tomato sauce that has turned into mould...i with one of the guys would take out the garbage so i can deal with teh mould plate. i guess i could take out the garbage, but i dont really want to...
i cant decide if i like my wednesday yoga class as much as my tuesday/thursday class. its kind of different, harder in a way, i guess thats a good thing, good to work hard, but im tired of working my quads...
the lesban barista gave me half a little cake thing today, that was nice, although i dont understand why shes always giving me stuff....
natural disasters midterm on friday...should probably start studying...
goodbye

Faceless

"what kind of brazilian girl would you be?" seems like a good place to start off a recap of my fabulous evening last nite. "a sexy one" was the answer to this question, posed to me by nikolai at the small but distinguished pepperjack cafe, as we smoked in the rain waiting for the band called the brazilian girls to come on. we were flanked by jordan and amanda, snooty fox associates. so after our cigarettes, we went back inside to get more drinks, and then i headed up to the can, where i bumped into a girl on her way out. after the usual "oh sorry, excuse me" crap, i went to the can and then headed back downstairs to my friends and drinks, and the band was finally coming on, half an hour late..... and who should the lead singer be? none other than the very girl i had just bumped into! crazy! anyway, the lead singer of the brazilian girls wears all of her hair over her face, so you cannot see her face at all, except for one cheekbone, which, we decided later, is a very nice cheekbone indeed. this is her thing, she does it on stage and in photos, so noone actually knows what she looks like. but let me tell you, i didnt realise that a woman without a face could be sooo sexy. and she was so cool. and the band was great. we had so much fun dancing away, ive never danced with jordan before, but he was great, and he looked so cool in his old mans hat. nikolai was dancing with his hands in his pockets, and since we didnt have a lot of space, he was dancing very differently from usual, but i liked it a lot. i had my hippy hips shakin away, and nik can never make fun of my shoulder dancing again, because he was on shoulder patrol last nite. his shoulders were on fire. anyway, the band was great, nikolai bought the cd, and im looking forward to listening to it at work on saturday. after it was over, nik was like "im going to go have sex with the lead singer" which i thought was a hilarious thing to say, and i followed it up with "thats going to fail" and he was like, "yeahi know". he couldnt even find her to engage in said sexual encounter, so i won, considering i saw her in teh can which is way closer to having sex with her than not seeing her at all. we headed back to snooty for last call and spent the rest of the night playing darts (well, i watched) and telling our coworkers how sexy this woman was, and how great the music was. we also made the bartender put the brazilian girls cd on in teh bar. good times had by all, totally worth it, im glad i went. and im glad jordan and amanda came, it was lots of fun.

Yog?

so on friday night, i went shopping with sabrina and her parents. why? because they have a car, and i needed to go to places that are long bus rides and very long, uphill bike rides. places that they were going to anyway. places like walmart. so, i had lots of fun pushing the cart for sabrina's mum, who needed to go to way more sections of the store than i did, which of course resulted in a few impulse purchases on my part. one of which was this generic cereal called "YogActive". how could i resist a product that has yog in the title? i couldnt. also, it passed my ever-scrupulous ingredients check, albeit by a small margin. however, as i was assessing this cereal, i realised it was generic, and was most likely a knock off of some other brand name cereal, but i couldnt quite put my finger on it. but today, when i finally opened the box, it dawned on me... it is a knockoff of the new special K cereals, such as special K with strawberry, or vanilla special K with banana. YogActive comes in three flavours, strawberry, banana, and kiwi. i settled on the strawberry because strawberries are superior to blueberries, and i find that freeze dried kiwi is often sour. so anyway, YogActive has flakes, fruits, and "15% probiotic yoghurt pearls" which im going to assume means that the entire make up of the cereal by mass is 15% yoghurt pearls, not that the yoghurt pearls are 15% milk fat. anyway, so now that you have the backup story, allow me to give a review of this cereal. in obvious mimicry of special K (and so many other cereals like it) YogActive is trying to make itself seem super healthy to all of those would be skinny people by boasting low levels of satuarted fats, and having pictures of thin women in workout clothes eating it on the box. also, the use of the word "probiotic" is a definite attempt to grab all the wannabe health nuts out there with some meaningless, made up scientific jargon. this sort of thing really pisses me off. for a few reasons. first of all, it will never stop irritating me how the only association most people make with health is being thin. yes its true that excess fat is unhealthy, but there are a million other things that are unhealthy, and there are at least a million skinny people who engage in these unhealthy activities. low fat does not mean healthy. healthy foods are low in saturated and trans fats, refined sugars, preservatives, and bleached grains. healthy foods are also HIGH in fibre, WHOLE grain (which is NOT the same as multi grain!), omega 3 and 6 fatty acids, minerals, vitamins, and are generally less processed, hence the advent of movements such as the raw food phenomenon. anyway, so this whole thing with people trying to think that theyre so granola when they eat crap as far as im concerned bugs me. alot. but i guess i should be positive and remember that its good that peopla are TRYING to eat healthy, and they just need to educate themselves better. i guess i just feel like a lot of these people put themselves on the same level as eaters like myself, and im like, no, you are a poser. also, dont even get me started on the fact that i bought it at walmart, i was only there because knitting stuff is almost impossible to find in hamilton. anyway, so thats the negative side to the YogActive cereal. the positive side is that, although there is a little more refined sugar in it than i usually eat, and i dont usually eat processed yoghurt, and it isnt made with whole grains, it is, more or less, not too bad for you, and its a solid snack for the student/swimmer/cyclist/yoga student in you. the strawberries are delicious, just like the special K, and the yoghurt pearls are retty good too. theyre a little on the sweet side for me, and they sink to the bottom of the dish, which makes the last few bites a bit much for me, but on the whole, a good snack. i still like Good For You, the swedish muesli better, but its a nice treat. this has been your chloé consumer report, thank you for listening.

Giving Thanks

well, this weekend i was so busy being bitter and drunk that i realised i didnt take any time to reflect on the things in my life that im thankful for, which is what this weekend is suppsoed to be all about. so, heres the short list. i am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends. all of you fill me with so much joy, inspiration, and love. i am so lucky to have so many people who care for me and to have so many people to care about. next, i am thankful to have the opportunity to be here in hamilton, going to university, and for all of the things that being here has brought into my life, including my jobs, my volunteer work, my cat, and so on and so forth. i am thankful for my health and my mind. i am thankful for all of the music that inspires me and breathes life into me when i am weary. i am thankful to God for all of these things, and for my salvation through Christ. I am thankful for my strength, passion, and determination. Glory be to God for all of these blessings.

Hello Again

my good and noble comrades. it has been far far too long. after a rather tumultous summer, i am back in the game, embracing my last year of my undergrad degree for all it is worth. my future is uncertain, and i am scared at times, but i know there are things in my life that are certain, the things that matter. i know there are people who love me, and people that i love and i am trying to cherish all of the moments that fill me with joy so that when i launch myself into the "so now what" days, i will have them to hold on to. my universe is so harmonized right now, and i am so thankful for that. so thank you, to all of you, all of you artists and poets and beloved friends of mine, who were there through the thick, who inspire me with your beauty, and who keep me honest. i love you all. extra love goes out to jill, clancy, owen, shayla, amit, and of course, my darling nikolai. its been one hell of a ride. L'CHIAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Nice To Have Others To Speak For Me

Bliss Like This: By Ani Difranco

i said venice

you heard vegas

now i say either way

baby lets go

i get so shaky

and i just cant shake it

i bliss like this

im one of those

bit i dont wanna wear you

wear you like a band aid

wave you like a ticket

out of my good grief

i just wanna know you

know you like i know my garden

what you smell like when youre bloomin

what lives underneath

deep down underneath

way down underneath

we do a whole lotta laughin

at the shyness that surrounds us

i do a whole lotta looking

somewhere else

i dont need to look

no, i can just feel you

besides everytime i see you

it just forces me to look at myself

cuz i get so shaky

and i just cant shake it

i bliss like this

im one of those

and i said venice

and you heard vegas

but now i say either way

lets go

cmon baby lets go

Miss You, Nikolai

RAINING IN BALTIMORE: By The Counting Crows

The circus is falling down on its knees

Big top is crumbling down

Its raining in Baltimore, fifty miles east

Where you should be, noones around

I need a phone call

I need a rain coat

I need a big love

I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by

And I dont have nothing to say

You get what you pay for

But I just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call

I need a plane ride

I need a sun burn

I need a rain coat

And I get no answers, and I dont get no change

Its raining in Baltimore baby, but everything else is the same

Thers things I'll remember, and things I'll forget

I miss you, I guess that I should

Three thousand, five hundred miles away, but what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call

Maybe I should buy a new car

I can always hear a freight traing baby if I listen real hard

And I wish it was a small world

Cause I'm lonely for teh big towns

I'd like to hear a little guitar

I guess its time to put the top down

I need a phone call

I need a rain coat

I really need a rain coat

Anticipation

my days are spent in alternating immersion of fire and water. the fire fuels my anger and my sadness. my anger is shaped like a man. my sadness is shaped like two men. the water cleanses me, that ephemeral world of silence and noise. i pour my anger and my sadness out of me, into the water. out through my lungs. i breathe in the silence, the noise, until i am full of silence and noise instead of anger and sadness. i continue to let the water wash over me, stripping me to my elements so that when i am before the fire i will feel less pain. and when the day is through and i lay my head to rest i try and remember that my happiness is shaped like many things, and i listen to the silence, the noise in my mind. the silence, the noise, of my hiding joy, and i wake in the morning and wait for the day when one of the keystones of my happiness will walk back into my life and the sadness that is shaped like two men will become sadness shaped like one man and then will be forgotten as i embrace the happiness shaped like one man, shaped like myself.

My Mental Anguish, My Broken Heart

well, this shitty ass week was capped off nicely by nikolai's going away party, which was last night. he left today. i was trying very hard to get bombed in order to celebrate the occasion, but it just wasn't happening. i also wanted to have a big sloppy goodbye, but that didn't really happen either. i was just too numb. numb from the pain and too tired to cry. but then today at work, i was wearing nik's kitchen sweater and listening to bloc party and then it hit me that he was gone. he promised me that he would come back, and i believe him, but i miss him already. i hope he has a fabulous time planting trees. its just that its not everyday that you meet someone that you have such a deep connection with. it seems overly fatalistic perhaps, but jill and i were talking about it, and nik and i were meant to find each other. she said that if we hadnt met at work, we would have met somewhere, sometime, eventually, and i think shes right. we are two-egg twins, and i know he will come back if for no other reason but for the fact that he promised me. so i held his hand in the cab and told him i would miss him, and after goodbye, i watched him go. you have my thoughts and prayers, my friend. may you have the sun in the face, and the wind at your back, as i count the days you are gone until i can see you again.

Onward and Upward

I WILL SURVIVE: Aretha Franklin

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.

But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong.

I grew strong, I learned how to get along.

And so you´re back from outer space.

I just walked in to find you here without that look upon your face.

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

If I´d have known for just one second you´d be back to bother me.

Oh now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now.

´Cause you´re not welcome anymore.

Weren´t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

Did you think I´d crumble? Did you think I´d lay down and die?

Oh no not I. I will survive.

As long as I know how to love I know I´ll stay alive.

I´ve got all my life to live, I´ve got all my love to give.

I will survive. I will survive. Hey hey!

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart.

I´m trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart.

And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself.

I used to cry. But now I hold my head up high.

And you´ll see me, somebody new.

I´m not that chained up little person still in love with you.

And so you felt like dropping in, and just expect me to be free.

But now I´m saving all my lovin´ for someone who´s lovin´ me.

Go on now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now.

You´re not welcome anymore.

Weren´t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?

Did you think I´d crumble? Did you think I´d lay down and die?

Oh no not I. I will survive.

As long as I know how to love I know I´ll be alive.

I´ve got all my life to live.

I´ve got all my love to give.

I will survive. I will survive

The Poem I Wrote When Steve And I Were On The Rocks

I miss the way his skin smells when he’s just come out of the shower
And the way the contours of his back make my hands look small
And I remember believing he would love me forever
I miss the way he tasted perfect
How in his arms, I was perfect
Never thought I could love a man, but he taught me how
I used to love how he’d kiss my neck in public, and I could tell he liked it
I remember the thrill it gave me when he’d slip his hand under mine
He doesn’t do those things anymore
But I also remember I was happy before him, and I’ll be happy again
I just wish that in the sweetness of my happiness there could be a taste of him

Lightning, Revisited

you left my life like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and i could stand and let it rain down on me all fucking day
as i wait for the lightning to come down again
cause i always knew there was a lighting bolt waiting to come down and strike me
white hot electricity
if this is what it means to be clean
never stop raining down on me
i will never tire of walking in the rain
but my daddy always worried when he saw me walking if there was lighting
told me to wait till it was over before i went out to play
well maybe i should take his advice
next time theres lightning, ill just watch from my window

Ani Always Says It Best

UNTOUCHABLE FACE: By Ani Difranco

Think I'm going for a walk now

I feel a little unsteady

I don't want noone to follow me except maybe you

I could make you happy, you know if you weren't already

I could do a lot of things and I do

Tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but I think you two are forever

and I hate to say it, but you're perfect together

So fuck you and your untouchable face

fuck you for existing in the first place

and who am I that I should be vying for your touch

who am I

bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning my gas tank will be empty soon

neon sign on the horizon rubbing elbowes with the moon

safe haven of the sleepless where the deep fryer's always on

radio is counting down top 20 country songs

Out on the porch the fly strip is waving like a flag in the wind

you know I really don't look forward to seeing you again

You look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away

and I won't know what to do and I won't know what to say

Except fuck you and your untouchable face

and fuck you for existing in the first place

and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch

who am I, I bet you cant even tell me that much

I see you when I'm so perplexed

what was I thinking what will I think of next

where can I hide

in the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table

and the fan that's on it swings gently side to side

there's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing

I see orion and say nothing the only thing I can think of saying is

Fuck you and your untouchable face

and fuck you, for existing in the first place

and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch

who am I, I bet you cant even tell me that much

Max5

alright so last night clancy and i were up way way way too late and we had the best conversation ever about max5 chocolate bars. i thought that the outside coating of the max5 peanut butter was caramel but clancy deduced it was peanut butter in the most logical argument of all time:

"i have eaten both the max5 chocolate bar and the maxc5 peanut butter bar. the two bars are exactly the same as far as i can tell, except for the outside coating. therefore, if two bars are exactly the same except for the outside coating, and one is called max5 chocolate, whose outside coating is chocolate, and the other one is called max5 peanut butter, what are you going to assume the outside coating is? caramel? i dont think so. it is definitely peanut butter."

needless to say i still think the outside is caramel but i thought this argument was fantastic. clancy is going to be a wonderful lawyer.

Blur

that is the only word to describe wednesday. yesterday shayla and i got up to so much tomfoolery, i didnt think you could fit so much into one day. ive been trying to upload the pictures we took from the day onto here but they arent working for some inexplicable reason. anyway, it was good times had by all, and its made that much better by the fact that it all means summer is here. highlights include me moaning about nachos and lapdancing all day, shayla getting a ridiculous sunburn, and me filthifying my jeans. since the pictures arent working, i will offer some consolation by posting the most quotable quotes of the day:

"well, if you hadn't hit the bong, i think it would have turned out the same anyway"
-shayla

"my jeans are so gross, they smell like alcohol puke"
-chloé

"we'll get together, take off our tops, and talk about nachos"
-shayla

"it's like the party never stops, we just take breaks for sleep"
-chloé
anyway hopefully ill be able to get the pictures working soon, because as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words, and yesterday was one hell of a day. so thank you shayla, have fun in india, hamilton wont be the same without you, and well get back to this sort of debauchery as soon as you return.