Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Meet the Oppressor

hello and happy wednesday, comrades. i have been meaning to write this post for a while, but as usual, i kept forgetting. lucky for you lucksters, i remembered today, so here we go. as is basically public knowledge by now, you should all be aware of the fact that i despise clothing and avoid wearing it at all costs. obviously, being a resident of canada puts a fairly large obstacle called "winter" in the way of year round nudity, but i remain naked in spirit. without getting into a whole discussion of the where and whyfore of nakedness, i will say briefly that i just find clothes oppressive, and none so much as these:
having grown up in a small town playing outside and being raised by rather hippy-ish parentals, i spent most of my formative years barefoot. when absolutely necessary, i am told i wore rubber boots but still decided to forgo the socks. this has left an indelible mark on me; a mark of sock hatred. even sitting here, writing this, i am thinking about how damp my feet are and how inadequately my socks are absorbing my sweat. i am thinking about how i would rather be barefoot or at least in sandals instead of having my poor toes trapped in their coffin-like shoes, shrouded in poly-cotton blends like sad lonely mummies.
as if WEARING socks isnt bad enough, i also spend most of every morning searching for socks that are going to be sufficient for my purposes. it seems like no matter how often i do laundry and no matter how many pairs of socks i purchase, there are never enough to get through the week. in this sick and passive aggressive way, socks oppress me, day in and day out.
i admit this is partially a problem of my own invention. my ever increasing triathlon training is forcing me through multiple pairs of socks in a day just for comfort and to avoid athletes foot. also i am admittedly guilty of what i like to call "secret spite" (although i suppose after i finish writing this, it will be a secret no longer). secret spite is basically where i act really immature and do things that i know my mother would hate JUST BECAUSE I CAN. this includes but is not limited to: not moving furniture when i sweep the floor, not separating my laundry, leaving my laundry in a pile (i dont even own a hamper), letting the dishes pile up, and my personal favourite: just throwing my unsorted, unpaired socks into a drawer and then fishing around for matching pairs as needed. it would seem that my secret spite is really only spiting myself but i am juvenile enough to get my own particular brand of twisted satisfaction out of it.

ADDENDUM: my google image search for "evil socks" came up with the following image.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Like Paula Abdul

so i have decided to run in THIS for my first race, and i am super excited. HERE is the link for the specific one i shall be running in barrie, not far from my parentals' place. there are many reasons i am excited about this, the least of which is not the fact that i will receive a viking warrior helmet simply for participating. also, i am going to design an excellent costume to wear. i cant decide if i want to do a viking style costume or a pocahontas style costume, but its gonna be AWESOME!!!!!! i am also excited because my cousin might join me and i hope that she does. once i am done running in this race, i will officially be a warrior, just like paula abdul: (skip ahead to about minute 3 of this video and you will understand what im talking about).

Friday, March 18, 2011

If Tim Burton Was Dead, He Would Be Spinning in His Grave

so i just finished watching disney on ice for the second, that's right, second time in two days. sadly, i am forced to tolerate this travesty every march break because i get sent with clients to see it but i have never had to go twice before. this year was painful as always, but before i get into my list of grievances, allow me to offer the slight disclaimer that i am not a big fan of figure skating and i really dont respect "ice dancing." i admire the talent, discipline and athleticism required to become a world class figure skater, but i just dont really get much out of watching it. i suppose its partly to do with my loyalty to my sister, who is a ballet dancer.... there is somewhat of a rivalry between ballet and figure skating and i cant help where my filial allegiances lie. its the same with liking rugby but not soccer, or as i can only assume my siblings would say, batman and not superman. but lets get to it.
1) generally, the cast of disney on ice are not the highest caliber of figure skaters. most of them look lethargic and winded and the choreography involves alot of clapping and waving in lieu of actual skating. this makes the already painful spectacle even more eye-abrasive.
2) i spent most of the chaotic group sequences imagining how funny it would be if half the cast lost control and they all totally crashed into each other.
3) donald and daisy duck do not wear pants, but the rest of the characters do. i can only assume it is because they have a very spontaneous sex life and are huge exhibitionists.
4) i cannot stand the sound of mickey or minnie's voice.
5) i also spent much of my time imagining i was watching something i actually like, like speed skating or ballet or paint drying. this was a fun distraction while it lasted that quickly dissolved into the sinking realisation that i was trapped in an arena listening to dance remixes of disney love songs, which brings me to
6) someone had the misguided notion that disney love songs would be more modern and interesting if they were played with up tempo dance/pop beats. they were not.
7) i will never forgive that bitch ariel for giving up her mer-life to be with that idiot with the boat.
8) tinkerbell is such a huge slut, and i will never understand why
9) and FINALLY the most important point of contention: someone decided to break my heart and include the nightmare before christmas as one of the scenes in this ice show. there were just so very many things wrong with this that i was almost in tears the first time, but allow me to enumerate the most glaringly offensive aberrations.
a) the guy (?) playing jack the pumpkin king was not even six feet tall. i can only assume that this is because he was more of a gymnastic type of skater, because he did a backflip at one point which was impressive but pointless.
b) the headpiece of jack the pumpkin kings costume was so totally all wrong. like, not even close
c) they were singing the "what's this? what's this?" song from the movie all sped up and dancy, just like the aforementioned love songs
d) the whole "story arc" of this stupid scene was that they were having a halloween party and so different disney VILLAINS kept showing up and singing rewritten lyrics to the tune of the nightmare before christmas song about themselves. these villians were: cruella devill, captain hook (?), the witch from snow white (who, if you remember is actually the queen/stepmother, so if anything, thats who should have showed up), maleficent from sleeping beauty, and jafar from aladdin.
anyway comrades, im just glad its over. at least this weekend we are going to see the tim burton art show at the TIFF bell lightbox. that should make me feel better. till then, peace.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I Am Tired and I Love My Bike

hello comrades. we are officially finished week two of my triathlon training and guess what. training for a triathlon is like, really hard. im not complaining, dont get me wrong, i really enjoy pushing my mind and my body to the max, but let me tell you. i. am. tired. i am also tired of eating. i knew that was going to happen fast. it is very boring and irritating to have to eat every two hours because you are burning so many calories. not to mention time consuming. also, many years of the restaurant industry have made me kind of opposed to cooking so i just end up eating the same thing over and over and over because i just make one big batch of it and eat it for many days. did i mention that its boring?
the downsides aside, though, the last few days have been the beginning of my favourite time of year cycling-wise. i took my beloved jack in for a tune up and ended up getting a whole whack of new stuff put on, including a new chain and cassette (gears), so my baby is running like a dream. and just in time. the snow is gone and we have had some rain followed by some sunshine which means clean, dry roads and spring tailwinds setting me spinning at over 30km/h in some cases. amazing.
when its like this i just think about how much i love our world. i love the human body, and the things i can make it do. i love the blue sky and the laws of physics and the smell of summer and most of all, i love my bike.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

I Often Succumb to Peer Pressure

so my dear and long time friend daniel wheaton has recently decided to have another go at regular blogging, and since he was kind enough to give me a shout out on his very first post on his newly redesigned blog, i thought i would be kind enough to do the same. i also thought about how i really need to make more of an effort to keep writing, even if i dont have anything in particular to say.
i realise that sort of sounds like im condoning the irritating practice of filling the void with meaningless rambling, a favourite hobby of the self centred and insecure. this is not the case. its more that i am acknowledging that sometimes writing is like training for a sport. you have to practice it all the time. sometimes you have good days and sometimes you suck, but you will never really reach a level of performance that you want to if you dont keep at it, despite the sucky times. furthermore, upon looking through my old posts when i used to blog all the time, there are a lot of little gems hidden in amongst the mundanities. i imagine those highlights would not have come to be if i hadnt been writing every day and keeping my creative juices flowing.
so there it is, comrades. i am going to try and write more without getting hung up on having a "point" or an "amusing anecdote" or "something to rant about" or an "interesting life" and hopefully, i will not alienate any of you in the process. at least callie will keep reading. i think.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

A Series of Obsessions

hello comrades! i hope this fine and sunny thursday is treating you well. so far, things are good on my end, and i do in fact have a few things to update you on. first of all, i decided, somewhat spontaneously, to move my quit smoking date to march the first. for those of you who suck at math or avoid calendars or have been in a coma for the last three days, that makes today my third day of being smoke free.
the reason i decided to move my quit smoking date is two fold: first of all, i decided to sign up for driven to quit, an annual contest sponsored by the canadian cancer society (although it is conspicuously only open to residents of ontario for some reason) wherein if you remain smoke free for the entire month of march, you are entered in a draw to win a variety of prizes, the top two prizes being cars. i have no interest in cars (although if i won one i would sell it and put a fine little dent in my debt), but i am interested in five thousand dollar all inclusive vacations, which is one of the other prizes. truth be told, i was envisioning driven to quit as more of a competition than a contest.... i didnt realise that i would simply be entered in a draw, so it is proving to be less incentivizing than i had thought. that being said, however, i imagine at least fifty percent of the original entrants will fail to remain smoke free, so that should boost my odds. anyway, the other reason i decided to quit early is once i got it in my head that i want to do a triathlon, i couldnt stop thinking about it and i wanted my "official" training to start sooner rather than later. so i thought, forget this june first nonsense, im ready now, and i better strike while the iron is hot. so i did.
anyway, this leads nicely into the real subject of my post today which is that my quitting smoking is going remarkably well, even without the help of nicotine substitutes. the only thing i am taking is an herbal supplement which is supposed to help cleanse my lungs and detox me, which if anything, would make the cravings for a cigarette WORSE. all of this lack of craving and impressive willpower naturally got me wondering WHY this is going so successfully, and here is what i have come to realise. i think that only obsessive people become smokers. or, in the spirit of not leaving anyone out, i think that smoking makes you an obsessive person if you arent already. i suppose this is the "addiction" of smoking: obsession. it isnt habit, it isnt nicotine, its obsession. and if you can find something else to be obsessed about, you will lose interest in smoking. thats how its been for me, anyway. once i got this triathlon commitment solidified in my mind, cigarettes were a thing of the past. now all of my spare time is devoted to training or thinking about training. i have poured all of my obsessive energy into triathletics, and as long as i keep it there, i have no room or time in my brain for cigarettes. even writing about it like this isnt making me want one, which is impressive. so there you go. im sure that other people who have quit may feel differently and their experiences might be completely different from mine, but i never thought quitting smoking would be as easy as it has been, and sincerely believe that has everything to do with my compulsive all-or-nothing personality and very little to do with ritual, habit, routine or nicotine.