Friday, June 25, 2010

What a World

hello comrades! sorry for my relative absence this week, but i am having such a shitty week. monday, i was hungover, missed my swim. then tuesday was going well until about ten pm, when i left the y only to discover THAT MY FUCKING BICYCLE SEAT AND THE CLAMP TO HOLD IT ON HAD BEEN STOLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was so livid. i realise, of course, that i bear some responsibility for not bringing the seat into the y with me, but i was still pretty pissed. my bike is my vehicle and i am more dependent on it than anything else i can think of. i felt so violated and angry. i just wanted to put my fist through the back of somebody's head. THEN, the next day, when i went to replace it, it ended up costing me NINETY SEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS to buy a seat and post and clamp that were equivalent to the ones that were stolen. unbelievable. and THEN, the parts i bought were the wrong size, so i had to go back and exchange them. on top of all this i had a tiff with dave (we are fine, but tiffing sucks no matter how you cut it) and then i fell with a client at his soccer game while his super overprotective parents were watching and he got it in the face with a ball, and THEN today annes mum tells me she has to go to a funeral tomorrow and she doesnt know what to do about anne because i dont work the weekends anymore (if that isnt a guilt trip, i dont know what is). on top of everything else, i have daves mental case mother leaving me idiotic messages on my voicemail because she wants to sit and rehash the argument we had last week, and the g20 is expected to send traffic volume through the roof this weekend, so i have no clue how long it will take me to get from hamilton to toronto tonite. I. CANT. BELIEVE. THIS. WEEK.
the only silver linings i have to focus on are these: the bike seat that i bought to replace the one that was stolen is actually even nicer than the one that was stolen. and my old one was starting to crack, so i was planning on replacing it in about six months anyway. the other is that i just tried to be thankful that i even have a bike and a job and a body to ride the bike with. it doesnt really take the hurt out of it, but i think its important to focus on the big picture at times like these. *sigh*

Monday, June 21, 2010

Are You For Real?

hello comrades! i am a little bamboozled on this bright and sunny monday. it was my uncles cd party last night and i had a few too many pints. we had fun though, so thats all that matters, i guess, but i could really use a nap.
anyway, so i came to the library to use this fine computer and i booked a time like usual, and headed on up to the third floor to take advantage of my booking when lo and behold, there was a pretty little teenager sitting at my computer! so i said uh, i have this computer booked. and she says, real angry, NO YOU DONT I HAVE IT BOOKED FOR 1230. and i said, well how can that be when i just booked it for 1245? and shes like I DONT KNOW BUT I JUST GOT OFF THAT BOOKING COMPUTER. and im like, ok whatever, knowing that she wouldnt be able to log on because i had the computer booked and then she would have to leave and i could take it. so thats exactly what happened. so she gets up in a huff and goes back to the booking computer to see what the problem is. THEN she comes back over to me and is like, could you just come and look at this. and im like, ok. so i go over and she shows me that she has this computer booked for 145. and i was like, that says you have it booked at 145, not 1245. and shes like I KNOW! I JUST HAD TO REBOOK BECAUSE OF YOU! and im like, well i dont know what the problem is, i guess youll have to speak to the librarian, because the system let me log on, so its my slot. and she goes, ok fine, whatever, and SHOWS ME THE HAND. im not even joking. she actually shows me the hand. hilarious.
the point of my story, i guess, is that i get where she was coming from. she was obviously having one of those days where technology was conspiring against her. weve all been there, and its super frustrating. but i dont see why shes taking it out on me. im an innocent, computer using bystander. it has nothing to do with me, im just like, the collateral damage. anyway, i think i will be slipping off this machine a few minutes early in case she decides to bring a weapon with her at 145.

Friday, June 18, 2010


so my sister asked the following series of questions on her blog, and in lieu of having anything else to write about, i am going to take it upon myself to answer them. here goes:

Why is ant hill sand different from regular sand? because it comes from the soil and asphalt instead of the beach so it started out as different rock than the beach sand did
Why do they bother embedding nice things like flowers into toilet paper? because people have an inexplicable hang up about feces. they like to pretend that human beings are above such things. also, they can charge more for it if it is embossed. also, im sure theres some study somewhere that shows that textured toilet paper does a better job of cleaning things than untextured.
Why are there always pencils when I don't need them and no pencils when I do need them? the real question is why to steal all the pencils. this is your own fault, callie.
Why is underwear so enticing? good question. i think we like to feel sexy and girly, even if noone can see the underwear, we know we are wearing it. except in my case. i like the idea of underwear and i like shopping for it but i never wear it. although it is fun to do housework in just underwear. and this morning i had my tea in a pair of underwear. but that was mostly because i need to do laundry. real bad.
Why does tartar sauce taste so damn delicious? because of the mayonnaise! and the pickles! pickles make everything better! so does mayonnaise! its the perfect combination of awesomeness. you have to try tartar sauce with CAPERS. its AMAZING.
Why do my camera batteries die right when a photo opportunity is presented? because the cost of art is suffering
Why does recess only happen in elementary schools and court? because only criminals and children have their rights enforced
Why do they publish awful books? because they publish the books they know they can make money from. literature is a business, not an art, unfortunately, and people are stupid and love reading crap.
Why do they patent dumb ideas? because one dumb idea can be the beginning of a great idea. im sure fifty years ago that if you had said that everyone would have a little phone and the phone would play music and could communicate across the country and show videos give directions and all of that other stuff, they would have said that was a dumb idea too.
Why is everything on sale when I'm saving? it isnt. that is just your perception of reality. when you try to give something up, thats when you want it. its like trying to quit smoking or drinking or cut carbs. even if you never keep bread in the house, once you decide not to eat it any more, its all you can think about. the mind is funny that way.
Who comes up with all the font types? typestters and font designers. there is actually a name for the people who design fonts, but i cant remember what they are called.
Why do I only start thinking hard when I'm trying to fall asleep? because dreams are our way of organizing our heads for the day. thinking before sleeping is like, the stretching of the brain, the warm up. that and im sure you have a disposition for anxiety and insomnia, if dad and i are any indication.
Why do forks have four prongs? im not sure, but id be willing to wager that there is some sort of ratio of surface area to force for stabbing with a stainless steel utensil, and having four prongs is probably within the ideal parameters of the ratio. or something like that.
Why don't more people use sporks? why would you want to? spoons are a blight on my mouth.
Why won't Batman marry me? why dont you get your own super hero? he's mine!
Why is it so hard to draw a straight line? because straight lines dont occur in nature. they are an inorganic shape and trying to draw one from our organic mind using our organic hands is contrary to our nature.
Why can't there just be silence sometimes? there can. once you move out of mum's house.
Why aren't more people happy? because our capitalist society has convinced them that happiness is defined by material wealth.
Who decided silent letters were necessary? that is a question of etymology. in the olde englishe when the words were still evolving from latin and german and french and italian, the silent letters werent silent. now they are, and we kept some spellings.
Why can't things just make sense? if they did, we woudlnt have anything to blog about.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Feel the Burn

hello comrades. i hope you are all doing well. im sorry i havent written in a few days, ive had a couple of ideas, but as usual, i forget what they are as soon as i sit down to blog. i really must get in the habit of writing these things down when they occur to me. i also need to get in the habit of writing down amusing things to tell barb, because i have the same problem when i talk to her. im always like, "barb! i was going to tell you this funny story and now i completely forget what it was!" its so frustrating. i think its the intellectual equivalent of blue balls.
anyway, thats not really what i was going to write about just now, though. what i have to say today is that this whole "going to the gym and cross training" thing that ive been doing for the first time in my life has had some RATHER hilarious side effects. what you may ask? ill tell you. i have noticed, in general, that people at the gym are so in their own heads, that they completely forget that they are in public, and thats when the fun starts. i have three specific examples of people who i have noticed at the gym that really crack me up.
1) the middle aged, mostly overweight women. i hate to make generalisations, but i have noticed there is a pattern among these pudgy, peri-menopausal ladies. they tend to come to the gym in groups, and they are obviously trying to lose weight, as opposed to, i dont know, doing weights or working on cardio or cross training or whatever the various reasons people go to the gym are. this is all well and good, i realise the majority of people who go to the gym are trying to lose weight, (except for people like myself, who train actual sports, and weightlifters. although those guys are training an actual sport too, so its the same, really), but these middle aged women are hilarious. they spend about an hour at the gym, going from machine to machine, slowly, ever slowly, talking the whole time, and only workout on each machine for five minutes, TOPS. in total, i would estimate that out of an hour of being in the conditioning room, they only get about 17 minutes of exercise, and almost NONE of it is cardio. its like watching the news on any american station, its all commercials. is it any wonder these women get discouraged about their weight and end up dropping their gym memberships? as my sensei used to say when i was in karate, if you arent sweating, you arent working hard enough.
2) last week, i saw a rather obese man wearing what i can only describe as a weird al wig, sitting on a weight machine READING A MAGAZINE and not actually using the machine. was he trying to lose weight by osmosis? does his wife have him in the throes of some sex ultimatum, where he doesnt get any if he doesnt spend x number of hours at the gym each day? i guess well never know.
3) and my new favourite, last nite i saw a young girl, probably a few years younger than me, but over 17 id say, standing on the non-moving side sections of the treadmill. she had the treadmill actually running, but she was just standing with her legs on either side of it, and was watching television on the provided screen. when her show was over, she left.
so there you go, gym antics that i didnt know existed, because until recently, i only ever swam. amazing.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Chloé Grows Up

well comrades, we have much to talk about and much to reminisce. ok, maybe not so much reminiscing, but i am excited to report that i have decided to DO MY OWN TAXES. i realise this is rather boring news, but i am excited about it, because its one of those things that most people dont do themselves. i was going to pay someone to do it, but i thought, hmmm.... i dont have a spouse, children, property, investments or assets, so how hard can it POSSIBLY be??? thats right, not that hard. so why would i pay someone to do it for me? no reason! so i shall let you know how it goes and you can all decide if doing your own taxes is for you.
in other news, i decided to join the 21st century and got myself a twenty dollar mp3 player, because doing 45 minutes on the rowing machine with no other stimulation is totally boring. i am totally enjoying the purchase, although i was forced to confront the complete lack of organization of my music files on my computer. not having an mp3 player this whole time meant i had no reason to organize or even title most of my audio files, which resulted in my having to spend almost 2 hours copying the files to the player because it couldnt support having multiple files with the same name in the same folder. but no matter, thats all water under the bridge now.
man im so frustrated right now im totally having one of those moments where i had something else planned to write about and now it is COMPLETELY escaping me. grrrrrrrrr i hate it when that happens.
ohhhhhhhhhh i remembered! and now that i have, i feel like an idiot for building it up so much, because its kind of mundane. anyway, here it is: so i bought some nordica cottage cheese today, 2%, always my cottage cheese of choice. i get home and lasted about 10 minutes before i caved and opened it, and i was disappointed to see that the texture was all wrong! i tasted it, and the taste was all wrong! alas! what is going on here? and what shall i do? well ill tell you, i looked at the label, and APPARENTLY nordica, without consulting me first, has changed its formula to a new reduced sodium formula. i suppose this a good thing, but i am SHOCKED to see how much a reduction in salt has changed the texture and taste. it didnt taste BAD or anything, just noticably different.
when you buy something and its something you love, you want it to taste the way you expect. so im not sure what to make of this. do i switch brands? do i adapt to this new formula (like when yves changed their veggie dog formula? a change for the better, i think)? i dont know. i realise its stupid to get hung up on a litre of cottage cheese, but its a huge staple for me and also one of my favourite foods. so i think i have some justification here. also, since i gave up drinking beer during the week (i also havent really been drinking beer on the weekends, either, ive mostly been drinking vodka sodas) the list of small pleasures is dwindling. *sigh*

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Going Off the Rails on the Crazy Train

agh. comrades. sometimes it isnt easy being me. i dont know if its just because i spend so much time with people who cant talk that i have too much time to think, but sometimes im so damn crazy i cant stand myself. there are definitely multiple examples of this, but the most recent is this crippling recurrence of anxiety that i thought i had licked years ago.
the problem is, before, when i was in high school, my anxiety was non specific. it was just random, meaningless worry and stress. it sucked, but it wasnt scary. lately, things have taken a bit of a turn. every once in a while i find myself in the grips of a crushing panic attack that i am about to die from some statistically unusual freak occurence, like an aneurysm or a sudden stroke or something. once i get this idiotic thought in my head, it takes me forever to come down, and every beat of my heart and blink of my eyes feels like my last. its terrifying. i try to take deep breaths and busy my mind with ordinary things, and eventually it works, but DAMN if it isnt terrible.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Land of the Silver Birch

so the other thing that was great about this weekend, to the extent of warranting a separate post was dave and i went on a little hike/walk around the don valley. this in and of itself isnt that exciting, we go biking around there a lot, but we were at a different part where i had never been, up around york mills.
anyway, we were just wandering in and we saw a FOX. it was so cool! and much bigger than i thought foxes are. i think i have seen a fox in captivity, but this was a wild one. it was so gracefull and swift. dave was bummed because he missed it, but then we saw him again across the river.
later, we were deep, deep in the woods, off the paved path, and i saw this group of silver birch trees. they were the biggest birch trees i had ever seen. they had to be at least a foot and a half in diameter. maybe more. i placed my hand on one and looked up at the leaves and was stunned. it was so beautiful. it has been such a long time since i had an experience like that; a real communion with the earth.
moments like that are the reason i was and am so passionate about biology, but i get so busy and caught up in my humdrum meanderings as a wheelchair pusher that i sometimes forget. i forget that there are places in this world where i am stopped dead by the majestic beauty of creation. places that have been untouched and gone unsullied by the exploitation and degradation of human beings. places where, if you are quiet enough and look hard enough, you can actually see the face of God as He inhabits the forest, and so inhabits you for as long as you are part of the forest and the forest inhabits you.
i long so much to be in and of a forest. there is so much beauty there, the divine organic wholeness of the universe. the strange chaotic peace that resides there, where everything makes sense. it is too easy to be cynical and give up on whats left of our planet. to think that the damage cant be undone and not to care. but i just cant and i wont. i love this planet and i see all of the things it is and could be, if we would let it. its as simple as laying your hand on the trunk of a silver birch tree.

Walking With the Dinosaurs

hello comrades! i had SUCH an excellent weekend! but i am going to divide the details into two posts, because there are two unrelated things i have to talk about. ok, so down to business. so, on friday, after much anticipation, dave and i took my beloved friend and client anne to the walking with the dinosaurs show. we also met up with barb beforehand for a little libation. this was exciting and amazing and awesome for a variety of reasons.
first off, dave and anne have never met. as they are two of the most important and relevant people in my life, i thought it was about time.
second, barb has not been able to get out for a beer with me or anne or both of us in ages.
third, barb had also never met dave and so that was exciting for the same reasons as my first point.
fourth, it was super amazing and exciting and rewarding and fun and awesome because anne was SOOOOOOOOOO WELLLLLLLL BEHAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD. i know i talk about anne alot but i never really go into a lot of details. anne is an extremely behavioural client with a history of aggression and even violence. she is also somewhat preoccupied with men. so, the fact that she not only behaved really well but had a really fun time was so exciting for me as a worker. three years ago, i could have never taken her to a bar, or a show, or out with a male. it just wouldnt have been possible, she would have been totally out of control. but on friday she was a perfect lady, and i have never been prouder. she also had tons of fun at the actual show (which was excellent, too. its this show with these life size, realistic looking dinosaurs walking around and doing stuff. it was very cool. i will post pictures when i get a chance) which made me really happy. also i was so proud of dave, because if you arent used to people with special needs, meeting someone like anne can and usually is a little outside of your comfort zone, but he was totally cool and unfazed by her. it really made me remember why i love him so much.
anyway, it was awesome, and i am still reeling about it. i am so happy that everything went as well as it did. its times like that when people in my field really get to see the difference we make in our clients lives and remember why it is we go to work every day.

Saturday, June 05, 2010


well comrades. i have some sad news. it would seem that i have come down with the dreaded summer time cold. i can only guess where i picked it up (looking at you, siblings) and needless to say, i am not amused. aside from the obvious problems, like not feeling well, being tired and having my ears chock full o' fluid, i am PISSED about this, because unless i lick it soon, it will definitely interfere with my swimming regimen. contrary to that idiotic advil cold and sinus commercial, no amount of medication makes swimming with your sinuses full of fluid comfortable. not to mention the aches and pains, and your body's overall need to relax so it can recover.
anyway, i am pounding the oil of oregano and the vitamin c and i am trying to relax this weekend, so hopefully i will be back in the saddle soon! wish me well, dear readers! wish me well!

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Everything is Fodder

so yesterday anne and i were headed back to her house when we had a rather hilarious encounter with a woman. the woman was with her two young children and i noticed she had a very original looking DNA tattoo on her leg, which was impressive because unique looking DNA tattoos are hard to find, they are so common. anyway so i was like "nice tattoo" and she was like "thanks" and i was like "are you a biologist" and she was like "no im a tattoo artist."
anyway the conversation just went from there and she made the following claims:
-> she had studied "premed" biology (specifically endocrinology and dermatology. because those two things are so similar they just pair up as naturally as gynocology and obstetrics), and "turned down" and "apprenticeship up north" as a dermatologist because she was pregnant;
-> there was a fertile female ginko plant on king william street, which she felt was rare. i told her there were more down town on james street. and she said no those are males. and i said no they are female.
-> she cant have red tattoos because she has too much testosterone and they "grow out"
-> she was looking for a "discreet" place to smoke a joint. i told her this was hamilton and you dont need to be discreet here to which she replied that she was "in the high arts community" she had to be discreet because now she is in the public eye (?)

anyway, i dont really have time to sit here and explain to you why this conversation was bizarre and began to feel a little contrived, but believe me it was totally bizarre, and in my usual fashion, i was totally glad of it, because i thought, well now i have something to put on my blog.

Tale as Old as Time

so finally, finally, after many moons of waiting, dave and trevor and i got our asses down to collingwood to see the much anticipated collingwood collegiate institute production of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. this was super exciting for all of us because courtland and callie were both in the play. courtland played the beast and callie was the slut. i mean the feather duster.
anyway, the show was outstanding, and reached a much higher caliber than any high school production i have ever seen. all of the kids did extremely well (although the girl who plays mrs potts and has to sing the theme song is apparently tone deaf. go figure) but the two stand outs, by and large, were andrew and zac, who played cogsworth and lumiere, respectively.
andrew and zac were so mature and played with such professionalism and maturity that it was easy to forget we were watching a high school musical. they absolutely stole the show and its been like, three days or something since i last saw it and im STILL thinking about those guys. thats good acting.
courtland and callie were both fantastic, and even more impressive considering they were getting over a cold that had effected their throats for a couple of weeks. which brings me to the real point of this post..... going to the play inevitably causes us to fantasize about the "what if scenarios" surrounding the possibility of one or both of my siblings actually making a name for themselves in show business. and here is what i have come to realise.
if courtland and/or callie ever did manage to make something of a name for themselves as actors, either onstage or in film or television, i dont think i would ever really be able to muster the verisimilitude necessary to get absorbed in their work. this is not a comment on either of their abilities as actors, its just theres something about them being a sibling that makes it impossible for me to separate them from who i know them to be. its hard to explain. i think its because no matter what, i am subconsciously comparing their performances to my previous and lifelong experience of them and their personalities.
i think this would be better explained by an example. there was a scene in beauty and the beast where courtland, the beast, is so overcome with frustration and grief over his situation that he punches the portrait of himself as a human and it falls apart. its an excellent scene and courtland was excellent in it. my problem: i could not stop laughing, because i know for a fact that all of the posters in courtlands room are covering holes that he punched in his walls. anyway, i guess thats just the way it goes when youre related to "the talent" in a production, and thats ok. either way, it was an amazing show and i am so proud of both my siblings and all of the students who made such an excellent production possible.