If Tim Burton Was Dead, He Would Be Spinning in His Grave

so i just finished watching disney on ice for the second, that's right, second time in two days. sadly, i am forced to tolerate this travesty every march break because i get sent with clients to see it but i have never had to go twice before. this year was painful as always, but before i get into my list of grievances, allow me to offer the slight disclaimer that i am not a big fan of figure skating and i really dont respect "ice dancing." i admire the talent, discipline and athleticism required to become a world class figure skater, but i just dont really get much out of watching it. i suppose its partly to do with my loyalty to my sister, who is a ballet dancer.... there is somewhat of a rivalry between ballet and figure skating and i cant help where my filial allegiances lie. its the same with liking rugby but not soccer, or as i can only assume my siblings would say, batman and not superman. but lets get to it.

1) generally, the cast of disney on ice are not the highest caliber of figure skaters. most of them look lethargic and winded and the choreography involves alot of clapping and waving in lieu of actual skating. this makes the already painful spectacle even more eye-abrasive.

2) i spent most of the chaotic group sequences imagining how funny it would be if half the cast lost control and they all totally crashed into each other.

3) donald and daisy duck do not wear pants, but the rest of the characters do. i can only assume it is because they have a very spontaneous sex life and are huge exhibitionists.

4) i cannot stand the sound of mickey or minnie's voice.

5) i also spent much of my time imagining i was watching something i actually like, like speed skating or ballet or paint drying. this was a fun distraction while it lasted that quickly dissolved into the sinking realisation that i was trapped in an arena listening to dance remixes of disney love songs, which brings me to

6) someone had the misguided notion that disney love songs would be more modern and interesting if they were played with up tempo dance/pop beats. they were not.

7) i will never forgive that bitch ariel for giving up her mer-life to be with that idiot with the boat.

8) tinkerbell is such a huge slut, and i will never understand why

9) and FINALLY the most important point of contention: someone decided to break my heart and include the nightmare before christmas as one of the scenes in this ice show. there were just so very many things wrong with this that i was almost in tears the first time, but allow me to enumerate the most glaringly offensive aberrations.

a) the guy (?) playing jack the pumpkin king was not even six feet tall. i can only assume that this is because he was more of a gymnastic type of skater, because he did a backflip at one point which was impressive but pointless.

b) the headpiece of jack the pumpkin kings costume was so totally all wrong. like, not even close

c) they were singing the "what's this? what's this?" song from the movie all sped up and dancy, just like the aforementioned love songs

d) the whole "story arc" of this stupid scene was that they were having a halloween party and so different disney VILLAINS kept showing up and singing rewritten lyrics to the tune of the nightmare before christmas song about themselves. these villians were: cruella devill, captain hook (?), the witch from snow white (who, if you remember is actually the queen/stepmother, so if anything, thats who should have showed up), maleficent from sleeping beauty, and jafar from aladdin.

e) THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS WAS IN A FUCKING DISNEY ON ICE SHOW! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??????

anyway comrades, im just glad its over. at least this weekend we are going to see the tim burton art show at the TIFF bell lightbox. that should make me feel better. till then, peace.