so yesterday i was so distracted telling you about justin biebers bid for a pulitzer prize that i forgot to tell you about my hilarious and hectic morning. actually, i didnt really find it hilarious, but i think you guys will, because you all seem to enjoy the mishaps and horrible suffering inflicted on me by my idiot animals.
before i begin, i should give you some background information. recently, dave bought me an aloe plant, because i have always wanted one. i have kind of a bad history with caring for plants, but im hoping to rectify that this time around. i think things are working in my favour this time, because a) i named the plant marvin, b) dave bought it for me... i am trying to remind myself that it is symbolic of our love, even though i dont generally go in for that kind of sappy pap, c) aloe plants are relatively low maintenance, and it is actually in their best interests to let the soil dry out completely between watering, to simulate their natural arid habitat. in addition to the welcoming of marvin to our home, i am also babysitting one of my clients' pets; a rabbit named maple. i am not really too keen on this situation, but they gave me two free cartons of cigarettes in exchange for the favour, and they were just going to give it away and then get my client a new pet when they get back from their vacation, which i think is despicable pet ownership, not to mention teaching their child really poor life skills. so there it is. rabbit babysitting.
i only received the rabbit this past wednesday night, and i was understandably nervous about my cats killing it or it starving to death on my watch or something and then having to explain to my ten year old disabled client that i killed his stupid bunny. the first two nights went smoothly, however. when maple first hit the scene, carmela tried hunting it, but failed, obviously. neo hissed at it a bit, and puppy went through her usual routine of "i dont mind that youre here, but this is MY house, bitch, and dont you forget it" like she always does with new animals. then the three of them surrounded me for the rest of the night. i want to say its because they love me so much and they dont want to share, but its really because they are territorial. they would have done the same thing with their litter boxes, if they thought the rabbit might have been interested.
SO this past weekend was "the civic holiday in august;" a completely invented, pointless long weekend. (not that im complaining. im just pointing out that there is no historical significance to the holiday, which is why its called "the civic holiday in august"). and i was nervous about leaving the cats with the rabbit for so many days alone. i was also nervous about how much food and water to leave down for it. in addition to this stress, i ran out of the cats normal, healthy food, and was totally broke, so i had to break down and give them junk food for the weekend. because they are piggish losers, they eat junk food like its laced with crack because its tasty and fattening. like cat food mcdonalds or something, so i knew i would be coming home to piles of puke.
so just to recap: marvin the aloe plant; maple the bunny; and three hungry, stupid longhaired cats. is it any wonder i was anxious about coming home on tuesday?
as i expected, my arrival home was hectic. there was some puke, but not as much as anticipated. maple had knocked over the extra dish of water i had left for her, and thus scared herself away from the food bowl sitting beside it, and so she hadnt eaten much of anything all weekend. i guess this is why we dont put dishes of water down for rodents, theyre too damn stupid not to knock it over. so, i cleaned up the puke, then i fed the cats. as i expected, they completely cleaned out their bowls, not because i didnt leave them enough food for the long weekend, but because they are disgusting pigs who eat that junk food like candy. then i changed the bunny cage and got that shit all cleaned up. i changed the litter boxes, and then i gave the cats their weekly dose of hairball laxative, and i took marvin into the bathroom for his shower. i got the whole entire list of chores done start to finish in under twenty minutes. i was feeling pretty smug.
i thought all was going well. too well, in fact. i sat down finally to have a cup of tea and a cigarette, wondering what i could have possibly missed. then i felt it, the dreaded wet spot on my bean bag chair. of course, of course. carmela, my stray-turned neurotic housepet has always been a stress pisser. it isnt her fault, she was very traumatised as a baby. that being said, it has been a wonderfully long time since i had to deal with this unfortunate habit of hers, because our home life has been very stable and she has actually been more well adjusted than ever lately. the strain of everything was just too much for her, i think. between having a new animal in the house, the food dishes being empty, and me being gone one extra day, i think she was totally freaking out. i felt so bad for her. as soon as i found the piss, sorry, i mean as soon as i SAT in it, she went hiding under my bed because she thought she was in trouble. i couldnt deal with that situation right away, obviously, because i had to get my bean bag chair and myself cleaned up first. the tough thing about having a cat who is a pisser is they can smell the scent of it even if you wash it, which will cause them to piss on it again. i struggled with this for ages with carmela and had to store my bean bags in the bathroom for months when i wasnt at home. i use an enzymatic cleaner, which helps, but i currently have the offending chair out on the balcony in the sun. i am convinced that the sunlight helps break down the invisible smells.
so when all was said and done, i caved and gave the cats some cat nip because i wanted carmela to know i wasnt mad at her. then finally, at last, at last, i sat down and had my tea and my cigarette, and that was how i started my day.