My Mental Anguish, My Broken Heart

well, this shitty ass week was capped off nicely by nikolai's going away party, which was last night. he left today. i was trying very hard to get bombed in order to celebrate the occasion, but it just wasn't happening. i also wanted to have a big sloppy goodbye, but that didn't really happen either. i was just too numb. numb from the pain and too tired to cry. but then today at work, i was wearing nik's kitchen sweater and listening to bloc party and then it hit me that he was gone. he promised me that he would come back, and i believe him, but i miss him already. i hope he has a fabulous time planting trees. its just that its not everyday that you meet someone that you have such a deep connection with. it seems overly fatalistic perhaps, but jill and i were talking about it, and nik and i were meant to find each other. she said that if we hadnt met at work, we would have met somewhere, sometime, eventually, and i think shes right. we are two-egg twins, and i know he will come back if for no other reason but for the fact that he promised me. so i held his hand in the cab and told him i would miss him, and after goodbye, i watched him go. you have my thoughts and prayers, my friend. may you have the sun in the face, and the wind at your back, as i count the days you are gone until i can see you again.

Onward and Upward

I WILL SURVIVE: Aretha Franklin

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.

But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong.

I grew strong, I learned how to get along.

And so you´re back from outer space.

I just walked in to find you here without that look upon your face.

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

If I´d have known for just one second you´d be back to bother me.

Oh now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now.

´Cause you´re not welcome anymore.

Weren´t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

Did you think I´d crumble? Did you think I´d lay down and die?

Oh no not I. I will survive.

As long as I know how to love I know I´ll stay alive.

I´ve got all my life to live, I´ve got all my love to give.

I will survive. I will survive. Hey hey!

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart.

I´m trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart.

And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself.

I used to cry. But now I hold my head up high.

And you´ll see me, somebody new.

I´m not that chained up little person still in love with you.

And so you felt like dropping in, and just expect me to be free.

But now I´m saving all my lovin´ for someone who´s lovin´ me.

Go on now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now.

You´re not welcome anymore.

Weren´t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?

Did you think I´d crumble? Did you think I´d lay down and die?

Oh no not I. I will survive.

As long as I know how to love I know I´ll be alive.

I´ve got all my life to live.

I´ve got all my love to give.

I will survive. I will survive

The Poem I Wrote When Steve And I Were On The Rocks

I miss the way his skin smells when he’s just come out of the shower
And the way the contours of his back make my hands look small
And I remember believing he would love me forever
I miss the way he tasted perfect
How in his arms, I was perfect
Never thought I could love a man, but he taught me how
I used to love how he’d kiss my neck in public, and I could tell he liked it
I remember the thrill it gave me when he’d slip his hand under mine
He doesn’t do those things anymore
But I also remember I was happy before him, and I’ll be happy again
I just wish that in the sweetness of my happiness there could be a taste of him

Lightning, Revisited

you left my life like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and i could stand and let it rain down on me all fucking day
as i wait for the lightning to come down again
cause i always knew there was a lighting bolt waiting to come down and strike me
white hot electricity
if this is what it means to be clean
never stop raining down on me
i will never tire of walking in the rain
but my daddy always worried when he saw me walking if there was lighting
told me to wait till it was over before i went out to play
well maybe i should take his advice
next time theres lightning, ill just watch from my window

Ani Always Says It Best

UNTOUCHABLE FACE: By Ani Difranco

Think I'm going for a walk now

I feel a little unsteady

I don't want noone to follow me except maybe you

I could make you happy, you know if you weren't already

I could do a lot of things and I do

Tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but I think you two are forever

and I hate to say it, but you're perfect together

So fuck you and your untouchable face

fuck you for existing in the first place

and who am I that I should be vying for your touch

who am I

bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning my gas tank will be empty soon

neon sign on the horizon rubbing elbowes with the moon

safe haven of the sleepless where the deep fryer's always on

radio is counting down top 20 country songs

Out on the porch the fly strip is waving like a flag in the wind

you know I really don't look forward to seeing you again

You look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away

and I won't know what to do and I won't know what to say

Except fuck you and your untouchable face

and fuck you for existing in the first place

and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch

who am I, I bet you cant even tell me that much

I see you when I'm so perplexed

what was I thinking what will I think of next

where can I hide

in the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table

and the fan that's on it swings gently side to side

there's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing

I see orion and say nothing the only thing I can think of saying is

Fuck you and your untouchable face

and fuck you, for existing in the first place

and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch

who am I, I bet you cant even tell me that much

Max5

alright so last night clancy and i were up way way way too late and we had the best conversation ever about max5 chocolate bars. i thought that the outside coating of the max5 peanut butter was caramel but clancy deduced it was peanut butter in the most logical argument of all time:

"i have eaten both the max5 chocolate bar and the maxc5 peanut butter bar. the two bars are exactly the same as far as i can tell, except for the outside coating. therefore, if two bars are exactly the same except for the outside coating, and one is called max5 chocolate, whose outside coating is chocolate, and the other one is called max5 peanut butter, what are you going to assume the outside coating is? caramel? i dont think so. it is definitely peanut butter."

needless to say i still think the outside is caramel but i thought this argument was fantastic. clancy is going to be a wonderful lawyer.

Blur

that is the only word to describe wednesday. yesterday shayla and i got up to so much tomfoolery, i didnt think you could fit so much into one day. ive been trying to upload the pictures we took from the day onto here but they arent working for some inexplicable reason. anyway, it was good times had by all, and its made that much better by the fact that it all means summer is here. highlights include me moaning about nachos and lapdancing all day, shayla getting a ridiculous sunburn, and me filthifying my jeans. since the pictures arent working, i will offer some consolation by posting the most quotable quotes of the day:

"well, if you hadn't hit the bong, i think it would have turned out the same anyway"
-shayla

"my jeans are so gross, they smell like alcohol puke"
-chloé

"we'll get together, take off our tops, and talk about nachos"
-shayla

"it's like the party never stops, we just take breaks for sleep"
-chloé
anyway hopefully ill be able to get the pictures working soon, because as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words, and yesterday was one hell of a day. so thank you shayla, have fun in india, hamilton wont be the same without you, and well get back to this sort of debauchery as soon as you return.

Moisture

Happiness: like stepping out of the shower into steam
Caressing your naked body, condensing in the creases
Filling your lungs, your blood
With Moisture
Love: like walking through morning mist on a foggy day
Touches your face, blinds you a little
Filling your body, your mind
With Moisture
Friendship: like swimming naked before dawn during your freest times
Cold water surrounds your inhibitions, drowns them
You float away, exhilarated
By Moisture
Humanity: mostly water, three quarters they say
Each fluid cell held together by liquid
Filled in solid somehow, takes shape
I am moisture
We are moisture

It Is Well With My Soul

well after nearly having a meltdown this week, having felt like i seriously dropped the ball, i must say that after a good long drive to hamilton and a good long think i am back in the game. im not exactly sure why this is, but i have no complaints, i have totally gotten a grip and i am ready to face exams head on, at least for today. i feel like i have been walking around in a daze for the last couple of weeks and i am just now emerging into the light, returning to reality and happiness and i know everything will be alright. i think this is my final wind, and it couldnt come a moment too soon. in other news, puppy is shedding like a mofo and i need to brush her. now, off i go into the wide wide world of plant physiology, this exam isnt going to know what way is up.

The New Jolene

man shayla thank you and thank you this song took my breath away and it is now seriously impeding my studying because i cant stop listening to it...you got me on my knees, shayla, as always

SAMSON By Regina Spektor

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first

Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

I have to go, I have to go

Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed, not much hair left on his head

Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed

And the history books forgot about us

And the Bible didn't mention us, and the Bible didn't mention us

Not even once

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first

Before the stars came falling on our heads

But they're just old light, they're just old light

Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed, told me that my hair was red

Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed

Oh I cut his hair myself one night, a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light

And he told me that I'd done alright

And he kissed me till the morning light, the morning light

And he kissed me till the morning light

Samson went back to bed, not much hair left on his head

Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed

Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down

Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one

And the history books forgot about us

And the Bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first

Run Away

I tried to sing of joyous times, of sunlight and of love
But the music wasn’t there and my throat gave way
Those songs aren’t ours, they never were
So let’s run away and sing the blues
We’ll take a trip and sleep in old hotel beds and play our guitars
And we’ll sing the blues
You’ll meet women and I’ll avoid men
And we’ll buy each other beer
As we stand up on stage to tell our tale
The only people listening will be drunks with nowhere else to go
But the music will be there and my throat won’t give way
And these will be our joyous times, the sunlight of our souls, with my love for your guitar
The songs will be ours
Because all this voice is good for is the blues
Rattling and deep
We could find happiness
If we ran away to sing the blues

When You're Strange

faces come out of the rain. ah well tonight amit and i went for one of our super fantastic hyper amazing downtown adventures, and let me tell you, the fun didnt stop. first of all, i didnt realise that what i was wearing was really that remarkable, but as soon as we got off the bus i got honked at twice, which amit and i had a good laugh over. then we wandered down king street for a while looking for somewhere to eat and decided that james street was a better bet. so we wandered down james street, where a bunch of creepy creepies cat called me which i didnt appreciate at all and i dont understand why guys do that at all let a lone to a girl who is walking down a street with a guy but, people are strange. anyway so we finally decided to go to gate of india again where we were by far the strangest and funniest customers those people have seen in a long long time. i started off by ordering two drinks for myself as i tend to do when im out, a mango lassi and a gingerale. i guess the server assumed these two drinks were for the two of us because he started to walk away and then amit was like didnt you want the banana lassi and i was like oh right banana and then teh server walked away without asking amit what he wanted .then amit explained that the server was assuming that the drinks were for the both of us and not just for me and i laughed and laughed. this whole thing turned even funnier when the server brought my drinks and amit was liek those are both for her, id like a mango lassi. the server was laughing so hard at us it was awesome. anyway so then our meal progressed relatively normally until the end when the server left us waiting around for like at least half an hour before amit finally went and asked for the bill, and then when he brought it, amit asked to wrap up our BREAD but not our ENTREE and the server laughed at us some more. also i had created a super straw by attaching the two straws from my drinks together, which the server also laughed at us for. anyway i was laughing so hard at the whole thing i had tears coming down my face. so thank you amit, always an adventure when we go out.

Things That Are More Fun Than Studying

1) playing with my piercings
2) talking to puppy
3) watching american pie
4) talking to anyone and everyone on msn
5) talking to anyone and everyone on the phone (please call)
6) going to work
7) dancing
8) sleeping
9) going to the store to buy nestea
10) going to the store to buy cigarettes
11) going to the store to buy powerade
12) making mixed bean and pickle salad
13) spacing out
14) smoking
15) leaving sad sorry voicemails on people's answering machines
16) showering
17) worrying
18) blogging

Dirty Dancing, I Adore Thee

"I'm afraid of what I did, I'm afraid of what I saw, but most of all, I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling again in my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you"

-Baby

Valid Questions

well i ripped this off of daniel wheaton's blog i thought it was interesting and cool so i thought id copy him and do it myself so here we go:
Have I ever...
1. Taken a picture naked? Yes
2. Painted your room? No
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? kissed.... i wouldnt call it making out though
4. Drove a car? Yes
5. Danced in front of your mirror? Yes6
. Have a crush? Yes
7. Been dumped? no
8. Stole money from friend? No
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yes
10. Been in a fist fight? No
11. Snuck out of your house? Yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
13. Been arrested? No
14. Made out with a stranger? no
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Yes
16. Left your house without telling your parents? Yes
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? No
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? yes, but with my mum, not on my own
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
20. Seen someone die? No
21. Been on a plane? Yes
22. Kissed a picture? No
23. Slept in until 3PM? slept? no. stayed in bed? yes
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes
26. Made a snow angel? Yes
27. Played dress up? Yes
28. Cheated while playing a game? Yes
29. Been lonely? Yes
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
31. Been to a club? Yes
32. Felt an earthquake? no
33. Touched a snake? yes
34. Ran a red light? no
35. Been suspended from school? no
36. Had detention? no
37. Been in a car accident? Yes
38. Hated the way you look? Yes
39. Witnessed a crime? Yes
40. Pole danced? No
41. Been lost? Yes
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? No
43. Felt like dying? yes
44. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes
46. Sang karaoke? Yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? Yes
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
50. Kissed in the rain? yes
51. Sang in the shower? Yes
52. Made love in a park? No-made out in a park more than once though
53. Had a dream that you married someone? yes
54. Glued your hand to something? yes
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? No
57. Been a cheerleader? No
58. Sat on a roof top? yes
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? Yes
60. Been too scared to watch scary movies alone? Yes
61. Played chicken? No
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? no
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? hot? no, goregeous once though, does that count
64. Broken a bone? no
65. Been easily amused? Yes
66. Laughed so hard you cry? Yes
67. Mooned/flashed someone? yes, oh yes
68. Cheated on a test? No
69. Forgotten someone's name? Yes
70. Slept naked? Yes
71. Gone skinny dipping? Yes
72. Worn your underwear inside-out by accident? yes
73. Blacked out from drinking? yes
74. Played a prank on someone? Yes
75. Gone to a late night movie? Yes
76. Made love to anything not human? No
77. Failed a class? no
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? No
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? Yes
81. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? No
82. Thrown strange objects? Yes
83. Felt like killing someone? Yes
84. Thought about running away? Yes
85. Ran away? no
86. Done drugs? yes
87. Had detention and not attend it? No
89. Made a parent cry? Yes
90. Cried over someone? Yes
91. Owned more than 5 sharpies?no
92. Dated someone more than once? this is an ambiguous question...ive never gone out with an ex again if thats the question
93. Had a dog? yes
94. Own an instrument? yes
95. Been in a band? Yes
96. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No
97. Broken a cd? Yes
98. Shot a rifle?no

Killing More Time

well i looked at my blogger profile and discovered that 52 other viewings had taken place, and there was nothing in it, so i filled it up with stuff. so all of you who were looking before should look now. in other news, regulatory systems reading is really painful and boring. i also managed to fall asleep at 8 pm last nite, wake up at midnight, decide it wasnt worth it to try and call that a nap and went back to bed, resulting in a total bed time of approximately 12 hours, minus three wakeups in the night. my goodness. disgusting.

Keep On Keeping On

I SHALL BELIEVE: By Sheryl Crow

Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be alright

And I shall believe
I'm broken in two

And I know you're on to me

That I only come home

When I'm so all alone

But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

And I shall believe
Open the door

And show me your face tonight

I know it's true

No one heals me like you

And you hold the key
Never again would I turn away from you

I'm so heavy tonight

But your love is alright

And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me

Please say honestly You won't give up on me

And I shall believe

I shall believe

And I shall believe

Moms Rule

if there is one thing ive learned from living on my own, it is that if i wish it hard enough, my mum always calls. now i realise that i can call her any time, but sometimes you just need your mom to call you. cause if youve got something on your mind that you dont really want to talk about and you call then your mom wants to know why youre calling...but if she calls you then you can just have a regular conversation and feel better without having to bring up whats bothering you at all. and its times like this that i sit home and wish and wish real hard that my mum will call, and she always, always does.

Procrastination And Nostalgia

well i finally got around to tidying up the apartment a little bit, my desk is still a disaster, but one thing at a time, at least i can see the floor again. anyway, as i was cleaning, i put on the goo goo dolls for lack of options, and i got to thinking about my darling girl, kate. oh kate, how i miss you sometimes. with the weather so pretty and the goo goo dolls playing, it took me back to grade eleven, when we used to sit on the front porch drinking litres and litres and litres of iced tea and listening to the goo goo dolls and heart in between bouts of watching judge judy and passions. ah those were the days...we were so carefree. and then we would go on massive treks to pizza hut and rogers video and just waste the summer away, but for the days we had to work. good times. im trying to think of what else we used to do, but i cant remember right now. all i know is there are days where i would give anything just to be back in that time, wasting my summer with you.

You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hello

i am surrounded by mess and emptiness. the air seems more still with so much furniture gone, and i try to imagine all of my belongings packed up into boxes and bags and wrapped in newspaper. i feel overwhelmed by all of the things i have to do, and i can see that the cats know something is different. the echoes in the empty rooms depress me a little as i try to get used to everything. im glad i have to work tomorrow so i can get out of the house, but i need to study and i dont want to. heres to a new beginning i guess.

Clarity

well all i have to say is thank God for Sabrina. there are days when i see her and i feel so guilty for getting paid to be there, because she does more for me sometimes than i could ever do for her. on days like today, i see her and she is so full of happiness, and she always appreciates the small stuff. she knows how to take joy in everythign and she is never cruel or hurtful towards anyone. its at moments like this that i am given a moment of clarity, that i should be more like sabrina, and i realise i should live in each moment and find the joy in everything. and i sing buddy holly to her and she wraps her arms around me as we dance and everything is right in this world for only a moment. Thank God for Sabrina.

Sabrina Fair by John Milton
Song
Sweet Echo, sweetest nymph that liv'st unseen

Within thy airy shell By slow Meander's margent green,

And in the violet-imbroider'd vale

Where the love-lorn nightingale

Nightly to thee her sad song mourneth well:Canst thou not tell me of a gentle pair

That likest thy Narcissus are?

O if thou haveHid them in some flow'ry cave,Tell me but where

Sweet Queen of Parley, Daughter of the Sphere,

So mayst thou be translated to the skies,

And give resounding grace to all heav'ns harmonies.
Song
Sabrina fair

Listen where thou art sitting

Under the glassy, cool, translucent wave,

In twisted braids of lilies knitting The loose train of thy amber-dropping hair;

Listen for dear honour's sake,Goddess of the silver lake,Listen and save.

Listen and appear to us In name of great Oceanus,

By the earth-shaking Neptune's mace,And Tethys' grave majestic pace;

By hoary Nereus' wrinkled look,And the Carpathian wizard's hook;

By scaly Triton's winding shell,And old soothsaying Glaucus' spell;

By Leucothea's lovely hands,And her son that rules the strands;

By Thetis' tinsel-slipper'd feet,And the songs of Sirens sweet;

By dead Parthenope's dear tomb,And fair Ligea's golden comb,

Wherewith she sits on diamond rocks

Sleeking her soft alluring locks;

By all the nymphs that nightly dance

Upon thy streams with wily glance,

Rise, rise, and heave thy rosy head

From thy coral-pav'n bed,

And bridle in thy headlong wave,T

ill thou our summons answer'd have.Listen and save.
Sabrina rises, attended by water-nymphs, and sings
By the rushy-fringed bank,Where grows the willow and the osier dank,

My sliding chariot stays,Thick set with agate, and the azurn sheenOf turkis blue, and em'rald green

That in the channel strays,Whilst from off the waters fleet

Thus I set my printless feetO'er the cowslip's velvet head,

That bends not as I tread;Gentle swain at thy requestI am here.

Prayer

O, God
give me the words to say what i mean, for it to be true, for it to be right. let me know how to express myself in an upright and dignified manner.
give me the wisdom to see what is true, to understand what i see and what i feel. teach me to learn.
give me the strength that i might have the courage to do and believe what is right. i need the strength to stand up under my burdens and to bear their weight and not be afraid of tomorrow.
give me the heart to love completely, to learn to love myself and others, and to understand that people love me in their own ways.
O, God you have given me so many things, please give me the words.

Happy Birthday Tiny Dancer

well a big birthday holla goes out to my sister callie who turns 13 today. damn i remember when you were in diapers. kate and kyle asked me to express how unimpressed they are with how old youre getting, they said thats quite enough. anyway welcome to being a teenager...supposedly the best time of your life, but let me tell you a secret, it ISNT. so welcome to the most hellish and painful years of girlhood, that time when all girls know how to do is be bitchy and two face and so on and so forth. dont worry, it gets much better after high school is over, just be careful of the boys. may you live to forget this night.

Lightning

you came into my life like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but the lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and when you touch me, it is like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but the lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and i could stand and let it rain down on me all fucking day
as i wait for the lightning to come down again
and when you say you love me, it is like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and i could stand and let it rain down on me all fucking day
as i wait for the lightning to come down again
cause i always knew there was a lighting bolt waiting to come down and strike me
white hot electricity
if this is what it means to be clean
never stop raining down on me