Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Feline Horror Movie

well last nite i came home to a feline horror movie. and it just kept going and going and going. so heres the story. yesterday, being monday, i had come home from a weekend in toronto with dave as usual. the cats were all being super cute and cuddly and i felt guilty for leaving them alone all weekend. so i decided to treat them to some catnip. i dont give my cats treats very often, they are fat and spoiled enough as it is, but like i said, they were being cute and i was feeling guilty. also, catnip isnt fattening and they get more out of it than tasty treats anyway. so i gave them the catnip and went to work.
that afternoon, i brought anne back to the apartment with me for three reasons. 1) i wanted to make lunch at home instead of buying lunch to save money 2) i wanted to do my dishes 3) i was still feeling guilty about the cats and wanted to spend some time with them. plus, anne was cranky when i picked her up so i figured she needed a nap. which she did. so while she was sleeping i spent most of the afternoon cleaning my kitchen. just to clarify, my kitchen wasnt a train wreck or anything. one of my secret bizarre hobbies is cleaning my kitchen. i can do it for hours and hours and hours even if its already clean. i know that sounds like OCD but it isnt, because the rest of my house is a mess. i just find it soothing. and it makes me feel like im in control of my life. and like im not going to get food poisoning. but i digress.
so when anne and i left, the cats were happy, i was happy, anne was groggy and the kitchen was clean. spotless, in fact. glimmering. etc. and off i went to take her home and go to my next client. after an hour and a half of grade four homework followed by an hour of rock band, i headed to the y for my swim. (which was awesome, by the way. i am a tank). i finally got home at ten pm, which is a little later than usual, so i called dave right away.
as i was talking to him, i was unpacking my swim gear and turning on the lights in my apartment and turning them off behind me. (this is another hangup. unless im cooking or somehting, i only have one light on at a time. it sounds psychotic, but i am proud to say i average ONE KILOWATT HOUR OF ELECTRICITY A DAY. david suziki would love me. it pays to be a madman sometimes.) eventually i made my way into my beloved kitchen and turned on the light. and then the horror began.
apparently, i had left the catnip on the kitchen counter in its plastic bag when i left the house. and the cats found it, ripped it open, and bamboozled it ALL OVER MY SPOTLESS KITCHEN COUNTERS AND STOVE AND SINK! I WAS SO LIVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also, i knew that try as i might, i would not manage to locate every single particle of catnip, so the cats would be trying to jump up on the counters for the rest of the night. well guess what. i was right. puppy, in particular, because she has no respect for me at all, was trying it for hours and when she finally gave up she was so stoned she was all over me like everything was cool. then carmela and neo, in their drug addled state, started in on each other and all three of them were chasing ghosts.
they finally settled down when i went to bed, but at four am i was awakened by neo's relentless puking. i say relentless because unlike puppy, who is a puking machine, neo has trouble puking, and it takes him forever to bring anything up. so he was puking and puking and puking and i was just like, this is unbelievable.
anyway, they are all fine now, in case youre interested. but im still pretty pissed.

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