Muse

i sit and paint my self portrait
and listen to ani difranco paint my self portrait with her words
and i wonder how she can speak the words written in my head
and i realise though were different
were all the same
its the muse that makes us that way
it is heartsick
it is pain
it is love
and it is shame
and there are so many muses that colour the paintings we make
and there are so many people who are really the same
and there will always be a person
with a name
and a face
there will always be a muse
to take the blame
for all of the writings and paintings and songs that we sing

Friday Night

i am walking from the bus stop to the liquor store in the sketchbag part of town, cursing myself for being in this predicament, since i am dressed to the nines, tits and legs on proud display, possibly attracting unwanted attention. not to mention i am wearing shoes that have never fit me very well and my feet already hurt. experience tells me i have time for a cigarette on this walk, and especially this time, considering how slowly i am walking. my hairdo has already come undone and i havent even been to the party yet. sighing, i realise i am going to have to take a cab from the store to the party. after exiting the liquor store, heavy bag ready to be used as a weapon if necessary, i hobble to the nearest payphone to call a cab. while i wait, i end up having to redo my hair twice, finally getting it to stay put. i hope it looks nice. later people will tell me it does, but since i have no mirror at the moment, i can only hope. the cab arrives and the cabby is chatty, much better than the cabby i will tolerate several hours later on the way home. the party is lots of fun, although i am at least 15 years younger than everyone there, i am at least wearing the sexiest outfit. full of red wine and high spirits, i leave for niks show. the band comes on very late and i fall asleep several times waiting for them. in a fit of bad social skills i beeline to the door after, stopping only to use niks phone to call yet another cab. after a hellish ride with the aforementioned lousy cabby, i trundle up to bed, navigating my way across the sea of laundry and garbage on my bedroom floor. necklace gets put away, dress hung up on the scratching post, and at last, i rest.

When Days Are Hot, When Days Are Cool

so, here i am in kitchener, visiting my aunt and uncle. in order to keep up with my swimming over the holidays, i got my coach to write down a couple of workouts for me to do. anyway, i was pretty excited about having the opportunity to come here and swim at the waterloo swimplex. when i was a kid and we would come visit here, we used to go to the swimplex. since i have always been a keen swimmer, i relished the chance to go to the swimplex. in my mind, the swimplex was the greatest swimming facility ever built. it seemed so cavernous and huge, with its two level high dive, double regular diving boards, whirlpool, full size waterslide, mushroom, and fountain in the shallow end. i thought my cousins were so lucky to have such a beautiful pool at their disposal, and i looked forward to swimming there more than any other aspect of my visits. so, when i decided that that is where i would be swimming this week, i was pretty excited to come back to my most favourite pool. turns out though, that ten years is a long time for growing up, and the pool isnt as amazing as it seemed so long ago. yes, it is still a fantastic facility, but there are little things about it that make me realise it was my childs perspective that made the place seem so surreal. for starters, being bigger than i once was, the pool is not nearly as gigantic as i remembered. the lockers are the same system as they were ten years ago, wherein you put a quarter in and you have to keep track of your key for the rest of the day and then when you unlock it you get your quarter back. this kind of technology impressed and mystified me as a child, but now, its cumbersome and irritating to have to keep track of a key. when the shallow lanes are open, the deep end lanes are only 20m long instead of 25, which means i lost 20m off each 100 while i was working out. i was able to readjust my lengths for some of the drills to compensate for this, but it made doing 50s and 75s impossible. also, since its only 20m, the number of turns is increased and the amount of time doing a length is decreased, which is dizzying. other than that, i still had fun and it was still a nice pool, but it has gone from being my childhood wet dream (hahaha pardon the pun) to just another pool. i wonder how many other things i am going to find disappointing when compared to my childhood ideals. i guess this is the lousy side of growing up.

This and That

i never work as hard as i could, and i never study as hard as i should. i dont know what this means. i wanted to quote waiterrant on here about something, but i dont feel like searching for the quote. speaking of waiterrant, i have finally finished reading the whole entire thing. crazy and beautiful, i say. also, i have found, through waiterrant, a fake newspaper about restaurants written in the same style as theonion.com, called dont tip the waiter. www.donttipthewaiter.com. worth checking out id say. not as funny or endearing as waiterrant, but worth the read nonetheless. in other news, after having a huge argument with kyle over the moral implications surrounding the existence of veggie ham, i put veggie ham in the toaster and ate it on crackers with goat cheddar. it was delicious, but my crackers were a little stale. also, i am the proud creator of the best cheesecake i have ever had. ever. go me. that makes the list of things i make the best ive ever had include: key lime pie, cheesecake, vegetarian lasagna, honey dijon potatoes, tea biscuits, and blondies. my bread would also be a close second to my dads. not surprising since hes the one who taught me to make bread. anyway, so i should probably get back to half assing my way through russian. ps. you should all go see the fountain. very artsy and thought provoking. do it.

Let It Snow

c'est arrivée. in an unusual fit of hamilton weather, the snow is finally here, and i am extremely happy. so, to celebrate, i have decided to blog after rounding off two triple screwdrivers while i attempt to conjugate russian verbs. anyway, this arrival of early hamilton snow has gotten me thinking about why it makes me so happy. most of my friends attribute it to my being from "up north" and being used to it, but i have decided thats not the whole picture. yes, i love the snow because im from "up north" but not for the reasons my friends think. being from collingwood makes you love the snow, because snow is the blood running through the veins of the collingwood economy. late snow means no work, which means no money, which means a struggling and unhappy town. growing up in a town that is so intimately connected to snow forces you to love it, even if you hate the cold. so, even though some of us may not be the biggest fans of the cold, we grew up needing snow, depending on it, believing in it, and it is for that reason, that no matter how much you detest the temperature, being from collingwood is almost entirely synonymous with loving snow. so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Go To Medical School, Become A Baker

i sometimes wish i was a baker. that, instead of being immensly in debt towards a science degree, i had taken out a loan and bought a bakery. and i would get up at five in the morning to have the bread in the oven, and while the dough was proofing, i would be mixing cookies, icing cakes, and filling pies. and i would have the hum of the convection ovens and my crazy alterna-rock to keep me company. and maybe i would hire some teenagers to work for me in the summer, and my brother and sister. dana would help me in the back and callie could work the front, selling the pastries with her good looks. and i would have a hand in all of teh celebrations in town, weddings, birthdays, graduations, whatever. and people would come back for my key lime pie and i would say the secret ingredient is love, when the secret ingredient is really condensed milk. and i would wear whites to match the white of the trade: white kitchen, white flour, white sugar, white eggs, white cream, white butter, white icing. and i would be known for the light dusting of flour that was ever present on my arms and face, dusting me like so many loaves of bread or cookies. and i would put every ounce of care i have into my pastries, my cookies, my cakes, my apple turn overs, my cobblers and pies. and i would take all of the things i have learned about baking from my parents, and everything i have taught myself and create original desserts, that people would like, but not as much as my key lime pie. i would be quiet, and let the work speak for itself, and i would be happy. i would make vegan desserts, too, and i would be known for the quality of my food. i would make any requests people wanted, in any volume. i sometimes wish i was a baker.

Thinking About Vacations Past and Vacations Yet to Come

See America Right
By The Mountain Goats
i was driving up from tampa
when the radiator burst
i was three sheets from the wind
of the billionth song the first
and then there was the cop
and then the children standing on the corner
your love is like a cyclone in a swamp and the weather's getting warmer
i was getting out of jail
headed to the greyhound
you said youd hop on one yourself and meet me on the way down
i was shaking way too hard to think
dead on my feet about to drop
when i got the case of vodka from the car
and walked the two miles to the bus stop
got on the bus half drunk again
the driver glared at me
met up with you in inglis
booked a ride to cedar key
if we never make it back to california i want you to know i love you
but my love is like a dark cloud full of rain thats always right there up above you

DNyAy

well, here i sit, studying for nucleus and having to skip swimming for it, when i learned that tulips have ten times more DNA than humans. the scientists hold facts like this as evidence supporting the notion that much of DNA is non-coding (on other words, meaningless) because tulips are much lower organisms than humans. but i propose THIS. what if tulips are actually intelligent? they have 10 times the DNA, whats to stop them from uprooting themselves one of these days and taking over entirely? nothing. so watch out, everyone. keep your eye on those tulips. they multiply like mad, and they are coming after us.

BOH

well, i have been disturbingly addicted to this blog i happened upon called WAITER RANT. it is FABULOUS. i advise you all to check it out at www.waiterrant.net. anyway, waiter rant has also led me to a few other posts on other blogs about serving and so on, and i find these thing addicting, because as much as there is animosity between cooks and servers,we are all restaurant folk, and its fun to read about and its nice to see people letting the public into the realities of the business. however, there is a reason they keep us guys in teh back, the public is more interested in servers, because those are the people they relate to when they are out dining. also, we are a vulgar, eccentric group of people and we like being the guys behind the scenes. its where we belong, but we are underrepresented in any public forum on restaurants, whether it be a movie like waiting, a blog like waiterrant, or a book. so without further ado, allow this small she cook to outline for you: BACK OF HOUSE- A GLIMPSE INTO WHERE THE REAL MAGIC HAPPENS (AKA THE THUNDERDOME, BITCH)

THE CHEF
in restaurants much better than the one i work at, there is usually a chef. some places, like the one i work at have a kitchen manager instead, details on him to follow. the chef is usually a man who has been cooking his whole life. half of the kitchen is trying to become this man, and half of the kitchen is trying NOT to become this man. the half trying NOT to become the man are the ones who probably will. the chef is usually an alcoholic because he is passionate about the art of cooking but now his life is steeped in pointless bureaucracy, meetings, and petty disputes. he gets to plan all of the menus and execute their creation, but he also has to do a lot of other work that is very boring and disillusioning. he also probably makes a fraction of the money his friends from high school are now making, and his wife just left him six months ago because hes at his stupid thankless job 100 hours a week. all of this angst has caused him to become a complete arrogant prick who needs servers to stroke his ego 24 - 7 while his cooks avoid him, begrudgingnly learning quite a lot from him despite themselves.

THE SOUS CHEF
the sous chef holds the kitchen together so the chef has time for all of his fun work involving paperwork and inventory. the sous chef is usually bitter at having to deal with his incompetent underlings, but is likeable nonetheless. usually a good guy to have on your side, but dont piss him off, the chef listens to him and NO ONE ELSE. the sous chef still has plans of somehow becoming a chef without becoming an alcoholic, but he knows deep down thats impossible.

LINE COOKS
there are several subdivisions of line cooks, but we can make some preliminary generalisations. line cooks tend to define their personalities at work by the music that they listen to. this sets the tone in teh kitchen for the rest of the day. line cooks generally spend their whole day busting their asses, but they still find time to make inappropriate comments to servers, bitch about their jobs, and cuss non stop. there is no such thing as a pleasant customer to a line cook. it doesnt matter WHAT you order, they don't to make it, and they ESPECIALLY dont want to make it for staff. stress is this kind of cook's business, and business is good.
-> THE DAY CREW: line cooks on the day crew tend to be the lazy pot head types. they work the slowest shifts with the easiest to please customers. the chef or kitchen manager just keeps them around becuase his best cooks work weekends and they dont want weekday day shifts, and he has to keep the best cooks happy, especially since theyre line cooks and they hate everything anyway.
-> THE NIGHT CREW: nights are always busier than days, so you get a better caliber of cook on these nights. often students, the night crew cannot party much during the week, since they work teh night shift, but when they get the chance, they party much harder than the day crew to make up for lost time.
-> THE WEEKEND CREW: these shifts are reserved for the strongest cooks. without fail, these cooks are also the angriest, crudest, and most endearing cooks. they have very strong loyalty to each other from working together under stress for so long and they take no guff from any server. most of them are steadfast smokers, whose entire work experience is just a whole lot of "x number of minutes until my next cigarette"
-> THE BREAKFAST CREW: it has always been my experience that no matter where you work, it takes a certain kind of crazy to cook breakfast. whether it be at a resort where the breakfast crew rolls in before 5 am to get pastries in the oven, or at a pub where you sling 300 plates of greasy eggs in an inappropriately equipped kitchen for six hours, breakfast cooks are the kooks of teh kitchen

PREP COOKS
prep cooks are a lot slower than any line cook, because they are not under any sort of pressure for time. in kitchens with more than one prep cook, they tend to band together since the line cooks are too busy running around and swearing to have a conversation with anyone who is not a line cook. in some kitchens, prep cooks are completely isolated from line cooks, making their kitchen experience entirely other.

DISHLICKERS
these BOH representatives tend to be high school kids who need to make some easy money on teh weekends, or very old men with low IQs. other than dishes, they get given plenty of bitchwork, and are constantly reminded that they are expendable. a few of these kids will climb the kitchen ladder, and dont realise that bitchwork now means real kitchen jobs in teh future. they are often completely useless with tonnes of attitude, but every now and again you meet one with a sense of humour.

SHECOOKS
she cooks can be in any of the above categories, but i think they deserve a mention here as well.
-> THE FEMININE SHE COOK: this she cook is still trying to retain her feminity because it either has not dawned on her yet that this is a mans trade in a mans world, or she knows that but doesnt care. very few she cooks like this last very long.
-> THE "I AM A BOY" SHE COOK: this she cook has been working it kitchens so long that her boyishness has spread into every aspect of her life. or perhaps her boyishness is what drew her to cooking in teh first place. she forgets shes a girl, her coworkers forget shes a girl, and new servers think shes a dyke. she holds her own among the boys and throws out as much sexism and mouthing off as everyone else
-> THE RAGING MAN HATER SHE COOK: this she cook hes been mistreated by men both in and out of work and feels she has something to prove. she is not one of the boys, she is more of a feminist. an extreme feminist. she thinks anything the boys can do, she can do better, and will not tolerate any of the behaviours that make cooks so endearing. this she cook is hated by all, and either changes her attitude or finds a new job.

SO there you have it folks, my 2 cents on what i do. hope you liked it, now im going to get back to my stupid nucleus paper.

Letters

Dear global village marketplace: thank you for being there, with your delicious, affordable vegetarian sandwiches. thank you for having more vegetarian options than meat options, one of the few places where our people are the majority. thank you for delicious, organic, free trade herbed goat cheese. thank you for your strange owner who always seems like shes talking to someone else when shes actually talking to you.

Dear swimming: im sorry i sucked so much ass tonite. i have not been on the ball lately, but im going to bring it back, i promise.

Dear wolf parade: you rock so hard. how did i exist without you in my life. apologies to the queen mary is one of the most moving albums i own i think. please record more albums.

Dear nucleus paper: you suck and i hate you i wish you were a live so i could kill you. instead you are killing me.


Love, Chloé

My Stalker

my stalker is heartless and completely insensitive. he watches me as i sit at my desk and mocks me. he makes fun of me when i forget when my period is due. he asks me questions i dont want to answer, like, "what are you doing with yourself?" "why havent you started your nucleus paper, its due in two weeks?" "how are you going to get by after you graduate?" "why havent you scheduled your grad photos yet? or paid the bills? or called your uncle?" he always makes me feel bad about myself, and never goes away. i try to ignore him, but he is relentless, always there, over my left shoulder, looming like some sort of hideous gargoyle. he is ominous and forbodes so much. i only keep him around because sometimes he reminds me of good things, like Christmas break, and nikolai's next show, or my sister's birthday..... i wish i could escape him though... the relentless pursuit of me, by the days that pass on my calendar

Someday

i have no love story to tell. no tale of eyes meeting across a crowded room. no whispered sweet nothings and talk of forever. no words to fill an eternity, no silences to fill a soul. no story of bubbling insatiable passion, of restlessness, of excitement and fear. no wide eyed starry nights of euphoria and self centredness. no first kisses, or hundreth kisses that still feel like first kisses. no words for always. no talk of destiny. i have no love story to tell.

Out Of The Loop

apparently. after a long hiatus from my already half-assed music endeavours (the half assedness particularly refers to the guitar in general and in this case), i decided i wanted to get some tabs for some decembrists songs.... eli the barrowboy in particular and possibly, we both go down together. anyway, its irrelevant WHAT songs i was looking for, what is important is the fact that apparently i am out of the loop because theres been some sort of controversy as to whether posting guitar tabs online is legal or not. what is the deal with that? i mean arguments against stealing MP3s, i totally understand, but putting the chords up? what is wrong with that? its not illegal to play someone else's music... its not like you could pass it off as your own... and its not like youre taking something physically from the band and making money off it, i dunno. i dont know the details on this business, but apparently i cannot get tabs at this juncture. however, nikolai was SHOCKED at the fact that i dont learn music by ear, a skill i was never very keen on developing... perhaps the time is now. i dont know very many guitar chords though.... ive thought of two approaches for attempting to learn these songs by ear.... 1) i could figure out the melody on teh guitar to figure out what key its in and then fit the appropriate chords to it.... 2) i could figure out the chords on teh piano and then learn them on guitar.... either way, i find myself wondering just HOW MUCH i want to learn these songs. lazy, i know. i think my real problem is that i have this huge upwelling of creativity and inspiration right now, and since im still waiting to recieve my paints, im jsut trying to get it out. hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Food For Thought

Hug o' War By Shel Silverstein

I will not play at tug o' war

I'd rather play at hug o; war

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs,

Where everyone giggles

And rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses,

And everyone grins,

And everyone cuddles

And everyone wins

A Birthday Story

There once was a boy named Amit. amit enjoyed things like animé, asian chicks, and techno music. there was also a girl named chloé. chloé enjoyed things like dancing, swimming, and tea. chloé and amit were brought together one fateful day by a shared interest in botany. after spending a semester working at the same lab bench, chloé and amit persued a friendship, which unearthed all of the fabulous things they had in common, such as their love of movies, bread, cartoons, and dining out. they also learned about all of the ways in which they differ, which makes them compatible friends indeed. anyway, as time went on, the two chums discovered that their birthdays were only ONE DAY APART! which was almost as exciting as discovering they were born on the same day. so, last night, the two friends enjoyed their second annual celebration of their shared birthday. they went to gate of india for dinner, which went very smoothly, compared to the usual sort of thing that happens when they go out. then they proceeded to pepperjack café for open mike night, where they played pool and ran into a certain band that chloé follows around (although this run-in was accidental) and generally had a fabulous time. so happy birthday, amit! may you live to forget this night.

A Legend An English Teacher Once Told Me

the white knight went on a quest. he wanted to destroy the black knight. the white knight lived by the following rules: a white knight doesnt steal, a white knight doesnt kill the innocent, a white knight doesn't take advantage of the less fortunate, a white knight doesn't make false promises, a white knight does not kill the innocent, a white knight doesn't incur debt, a white knight doesn't break the hearts of women. the black knight had broken all of these rules, and so the white knight wanted to defeat him in order to uphold virtue for all. on his journey, the white knight stopped at an inn. the innkeeper had a beautiful daughter, who served the knight his ale. by the end of the night, the daughter had fallen in love with the knight, and she allowed him to lie with her till the morning. in the morning, the knight said, "my darling, i must go, for i am on a quest to uphold virtue. i shall return for you when my journey is over." the innkeeper's daughter could think of nothing to say, but she cried when he left. he left before teh innkeeper was awake, and so was unable to pay his tab. he thought, this innkeeper will not mind my debt, since it was incurred in order to uphold virtue. many days passed on his journey, and the knight was getting weak with hunger. he saw a camp where some poor vagrants were sleeping, and there was a loaf of bread among their posessions. the knight took the bread while they slept. he had no money to leave them, but he thought, this is not stealing, because i am taking this bread so i can continue my quest, so it is necessary to uphold virtue. later on his way, he spied a beast on the side of the road. he assumed the beast would attack his horse, so he shot it with his bow. when he went to retrieve the body, he saw that the creature was not a beast, but an old hag, who had been by the road, begging. he thought, when i shot this hag, i thought she was a beast who would have attacked me, she was killed in order to uphold virtue. finally, the knight approached the summit where he knew the black knight lived. as he came to the top of the hill, he spied another white knight approaching from the other direction. as the first knight lifted his arm to greet the approaching knight, he was struck down by the approaching knight's arrow. when the approaching knight was closer, the first knight said, "my friend! why would you strike down another white knight? are you not on the same quest as i? to destroy the black knight in order to uphold virtue? now my quest will have been in vain" and the other knight said "how can you call me your friend, when you are the very knight i have been questing after to defeat!" and with that, the first knight looked down, and with his dying breath he saw, that over the course of his journey, his shining white armour had rusted and turned to darkest black.

Another Day In Paradise

the light from the refrigerator illuminates groceries i forgot i had. on this early monday morning, i feel like a stranger in my apartment, or maybe like i just got back after an extended absence. this is what my weekend has become: blurry little whirlwinds in my life where this apartment with its mess and my groceries and bad carpets doesnt really seem to exist at all. and then on monday mornings i return from yoga and say hello to my real life, and spend the day readjusting to this place, this life of mine. but for a few minutes, in the quiet as i wait for my water to boil, i feel like i am walking around in a stranger's life, looking at someone else's mess, someone else's groceries, someone else's bad carpets. and i get to be a voyeur of myself, observing my things and the remnants of my behaviour, and i ask myself questions about this person, try to understand what she is like. and then i sit in the silence and drink my tea, and smoke my cigarette, and stare into space and my regular soul finds its way back into me, and i am myself, for another crazy week, before the ghosts of the weekend come to reclaim me again

Disjointed

i drew a picture of a waterfall this week. and i wrote on it, "o, that i could live behind a waterfall. the only calm place in this chaotic space. and all is made silent and drowned in the din, and divinity and peace are all thats left to fill the space youre in" or words to that effect...
i also drew a picture of a lizard today, it was the lizard that the students keep as a pet at the alternative school. the drawing was called pebbles, because apparently thats his name. i learned later that there is some debate as to what the lizards name actually is. i was happy with how the drawing turned out though...
i saw the godfather for the first time today. it was fantastic. i cant wait to watch the rest of them. captivating, really...
theres a plate in the kitchen covered with old tomato sauce that has turned into mould...i with one of the guys would take out the garbage so i can deal with teh mould plate. i guess i could take out the garbage, but i dont really want to...
i cant decide if i like my wednesday yoga class as much as my tuesday/thursday class. its kind of different, harder in a way, i guess thats a good thing, good to work hard, but im tired of working my quads...
the lesban barista gave me half a little cake thing today, that was nice, although i dont understand why shes always giving me stuff....
natural disasters midterm on friday...should probably start studying...
goodbye

Faceless

"what kind of brazilian girl would you be?" seems like a good place to start off a recap of my fabulous evening last nite. "a sexy one" was the answer to this question, posed to me by nikolai at the small but distinguished pepperjack cafe, as we smoked in the rain waiting for the band called the brazilian girls to come on. we were flanked by jordan and amanda, snooty fox associates. so after our cigarettes, we went back inside to get more drinks, and then i headed up to the can, where i bumped into a girl on her way out. after the usual "oh sorry, excuse me" crap, i went to the can and then headed back downstairs to my friends and drinks, and the band was finally coming on, half an hour late..... and who should the lead singer be? none other than the very girl i had just bumped into! crazy! anyway, the lead singer of the brazilian girls wears all of her hair over her face, so you cannot see her face at all, except for one cheekbone, which, we decided later, is a very nice cheekbone indeed. this is her thing, she does it on stage and in photos, so noone actually knows what she looks like. but let me tell you, i didnt realise that a woman without a face could be sooo sexy. and she was so cool. and the band was great. we had so much fun dancing away, ive never danced with jordan before, but he was great, and he looked so cool in his old mans hat. nikolai was dancing with his hands in his pockets, and since we didnt have a lot of space, he was dancing very differently from usual, but i liked it a lot. i had my hippy hips shakin away, and nik can never make fun of my shoulder dancing again, because he was on shoulder patrol last nite. his shoulders were on fire. anyway, the band was great, nikolai bought the cd, and im looking forward to listening to it at work on saturday. after it was over, nik was like "im going to go have sex with the lead singer" which i thought was a hilarious thing to say, and i followed it up with "thats going to fail" and he was like, "yeahi know". he couldnt even find her to engage in said sexual encounter, so i won, considering i saw her in teh can which is way closer to having sex with her than not seeing her at all. we headed back to snooty for last call and spent the rest of the night playing darts (well, i watched) and telling our coworkers how sexy this woman was, and how great the music was. we also made the bartender put the brazilian girls cd on in teh bar. good times had by all, totally worth it, im glad i went. and im glad jordan and amanda came, it was lots of fun.

Yog?

so on friday night, i went shopping with sabrina and her parents. why? because they have a car, and i needed to go to places that are long bus rides and very long, uphill bike rides. places that they were going to anyway. places like walmart. so, i had lots of fun pushing the cart for sabrina's mum, who needed to go to way more sections of the store than i did, which of course resulted in a few impulse purchases on my part. one of which was this generic cereal called "YogActive". how could i resist a product that has yog in the title? i couldnt. also, it passed my ever-scrupulous ingredients check, albeit by a small margin. however, as i was assessing this cereal, i realised it was generic, and was most likely a knock off of some other brand name cereal, but i couldnt quite put my finger on it. but today, when i finally opened the box, it dawned on me... it is a knockoff of the new special K cereals, such as special K with strawberry, or vanilla special K with banana. YogActive comes in three flavours, strawberry, banana, and kiwi. i settled on the strawberry because strawberries are superior to blueberries, and i find that freeze dried kiwi is often sour. so anyway, YogActive has flakes, fruits, and "15% probiotic yoghurt pearls" which im going to assume means that the entire make up of the cereal by mass is 15% yoghurt pearls, not that the yoghurt pearls are 15% milk fat. anyway, so now that you have the backup story, allow me to give a review of this cereal. in obvious mimicry of special K (and so many other cereals like it) YogActive is trying to make itself seem super healthy to all of those would be skinny people by boasting low levels of satuarted fats, and having pictures of thin women in workout clothes eating it on the box. also, the use of the word "probiotic" is a definite attempt to grab all the wannabe health nuts out there with some meaningless, made up scientific jargon. this sort of thing really pisses me off. for a few reasons. first of all, it will never stop irritating me how the only association most people make with health is being thin. yes its true that excess fat is unhealthy, but there are a million other things that are unhealthy, and there are at least a million skinny people who engage in these unhealthy activities. low fat does not mean healthy. healthy foods are low in saturated and trans fats, refined sugars, preservatives, and bleached grains. healthy foods are also HIGH in fibre, WHOLE grain (which is NOT the same as multi grain!), omega 3 and 6 fatty acids, minerals, vitamins, and are generally less processed, hence the advent of movements such as the raw food phenomenon. anyway, so this whole thing with people trying to think that theyre so granola when they eat crap as far as im concerned bugs me. alot. but i guess i should be positive and remember that its good that peopla are TRYING to eat healthy, and they just need to educate themselves better. i guess i just feel like a lot of these people put themselves on the same level as eaters like myself, and im like, no, you are a poser. also, dont even get me started on the fact that i bought it at walmart, i was only there because knitting stuff is almost impossible to find in hamilton. anyway, so thats the negative side to the YogActive cereal. the positive side is that, although there is a little more refined sugar in it than i usually eat, and i dont usually eat processed yoghurt, and it isnt made with whole grains, it is, more or less, not too bad for you, and its a solid snack for the student/swimmer/cyclist/yoga student in you. the strawberries are delicious, just like the special K, and the yoghurt pearls are retty good too. theyre a little on the sweet side for me, and they sink to the bottom of the dish, which makes the last few bites a bit much for me, but on the whole, a good snack. i still like Good For You, the swedish muesli better, but its a nice treat. this has been your chloé consumer report, thank you for listening.

Giving Thanks

well, this weekend i was so busy being bitter and drunk that i realised i didnt take any time to reflect on the things in my life that im thankful for, which is what this weekend is suppsoed to be all about. so, heres the short list. i am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends. all of you fill me with so much joy, inspiration, and love. i am so lucky to have so many people who care for me and to have so many people to care about. next, i am thankful to have the opportunity to be here in hamilton, going to university, and for all of the things that being here has brought into my life, including my jobs, my volunteer work, my cat, and so on and so forth. i am thankful for my health and my mind. i am thankful for all of the music that inspires me and breathes life into me when i am weary. i am thankful to God for all of these things, and for my salvation through Christ. I am thankful for my strength, passion, and determination. Glory be to God for all of these blessings.

Hello Again

my good and noble comrades. it has been far far too long. after a rather tumultous summer, i am back in the game, embracing my last year of my undergrad degree for all it is worth. my future is uncertain, and i am scared at times, but i know there are things in my life that are certain, the things that matter. i know there are people who love me, and people that i love and i am trying to cherish all of the moments that fill me with joy so that when i launch myself into the "so now what" days, i will have them to hold on to. my universe is so harmonized right now, and i am so thankful for that. so thank you, to all of you, all of you artists and poets and beloved friends of mine, who were there through the thick, who inspire me with your beauty, and who keep me honest. i love you all. extra love goes out to jill, clancy, owen, shayla, amit, and of course, my darling nikolai. its been one hell of a ride. L'CHIAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Nice To Have Others To Speak For Me

Bliss Like This: By Ani Difranco

i said venice

you heard vegas

now i say either way

baby lets go

i get so shaky

and i just cant shake it

i bliss like this

im one of those

bit i dont wanna wear you

wear you like a band aid

wave you like a ticket

out of my good grief

i just wanna know you

know you like i know my garden

what you smell like when youre bloomin

what lives underneath

deep down underneath

way down underneath

we do a whole lotta laughin

at the shyness that surrounds us

i do a whole lotta looking

somewhere else

i dont need to look

no, i can just feel you

besides everytime i see you

it just forces me to look at myself

cuz i get so shaky

and i just cant shake it

i bliss like this

im one of those

and i said venice

and you heard vegas

but now i say either way

lets go

cmon baby lets go

Miss You, Nikolai

RAINING IN BALTIMORE: By The Counting Crows

The circus is falling down on its knees

Big top is crumbling down

Its raining in Baltimore, fifty miles east

Where you should be, noones around

I need a phone call

I need a rain coat

I need a big love

I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by

And I dont have nothing to say

You get what you pay for

But I just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call

I need a plane ride

I need a sun burn

I need a rain coat

And I get no answers, and I dont get no change

Its raining in Baltimore baby, but everything else is the same

Thers things I'll remember, and things I'll forget

I miss you, I guess that I should

Three thousand, five hundred miles away, but what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call

Maybe I should buy a new car

I can always hear a freight traing baby if I listen real hard

And I wish it was a small world

Cause I'm lonely for teh big towns

I'd like to hear a little guitar

I guess its time to put the top down

I need a phone call

I need a rain coat

I really need a rain coat

Anticipation

my days are spent in alternating immersion of fire and water. the fire fuels my anger and my sadness. my anger is shaped like a man. my sadness is shaped like two men. the water cleanses me, that ephemeral world of silence and noise. i pour my anger and my sadness out of me, into the water. out through my lungs. i breathe in the silence, the noise, until i am full of silence and noise instead of anger and sadness. i continue to let the water wash over me, stripping me to my elements so that when i am before the fire i will feel less pain. and when the day is through and i lay my head to rest i try and remember that my happiness is shaped like many things, and i listen to the silence, the noise in my mind. the silence, the noise, of my hiding joy, and i wake in the morning and wait for the day when one of the keystones of my happiness will walk back into my life and the sadness that is shaped like two men will become sadness shaped like one man and then will be forgotten as i embrace the happiness shaped like one man, shaped like myself.

My Mental Anguish, My Broken Heart

well, this shitty ass week was capped off nicely by nikolai's going away party, which was last night. he left today. i was trying very hard to get bombed in order to celebrate the occasion, but it just wasn't happening. i also wanted to have a big sloppy goodbye, but that didn't really happen either. i was just too numb. numb from the pain and too tired to cry. but then today at work, i was wearing nik's kitchen sweater and listening to bloc party and then it hit me that he was gone. he promised me that he would come back, and i believe him, but i miss him already. i hope he has a fabulous time planting trees. its just that its not everyday that you meet someone that you have such a deep connection with. it seems overly fatalistic perhaps, but jill and i were talking about it, and nik and i were meant to find each other. she said that if we hadnt met at work, we would have met somewhere, sometime, eventually, and i think shes right. we are two-egg twins, and i know he will come back if for no other reason but for the fact that he promised me. so i held his hand in the cab and told him i would miss him, and after goodbye, i watched him go. you have my thoughts and prayers, my friend. may you have the sun in the face, and the wind at your back, as i count the days you are gone until i can see you again.

Onward and Upward

I WILL SURVIVE: Aretha Franklin

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.

But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong.

I grew strong, I learned how to get along.

And so you´re back from outer space.

I just walked in to find you here without that look upon your face.

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

If I´d have known for just one second you´d be back to bother me.

Oh now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now.

´Cause you´re not welcome anymore.

Weren´t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

Did you think I´d crumble? Did you think I´d lay down and die?

Oh no not I. I will survive.

As long as I know how to love I know I´ll stay alive.

I´ve got all my life to live, I´ve got all my love to give.

I will survive. I will survive. Hey hey!

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart.

I´m trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart.

And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself.

I used to cry. But now I hold my head up high.

And you´ll see me, somebody new.

I´m not that chained up little person still in love with you.

And so you felt like dropping in, and just expect me to be free.

But now I´m saving all my lovin´ for someone who´s lovin´ me.

Go on now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now.

You´re not welcome anymore.

Weren´t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?

Did you think I´d crumble? Did you think I´d lay down and die?

Oh no not I. I will survive.

As long as I know how to love I know I´ll be alive.

I´ve got all my life to live.

I´ve got all my love to give.

I will survive. I will survive

The Poem I Wrote When Steve And I Were On The Rocks

I miss the way his skin smells when he’s just come out of the shower
And the way the contours of his back make my hands look small
And I remember believing he would love me forever
I miss the way he tasted perfect
How in his arms, I was perfect
Never thought I could love a man, but he taught me how
I used to love how he’d kiss my neck in public, and I could tell he liked it
I remember the thrill it gave me when he’d slip his hand under mine
He doesn’t do those things anymore
But I also remember I was happy before him, and I’ll be happy again
I just wish that in the sweetness of my happiness there could be a taste of him

Lightning, Revisited

you left my life like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and i could stand and let it rain down on me all fucking day
as i wait for the lightning to come down again
cause i always knew there was a lighting bolt waiting to come down and strike me
white hot electricity
if this is what it means to be clean
never stop raining down on me
i will never tire of walking in the rain
but my daddy always worried when he saw me walking if there was lighting
told me to wait till it was over before i went out to play
well maybe i should take his advice
next time theres lightning, ill just watch from my window

Ani Always Says It Best

UNTOUCHABLE FACE: By Ani Difranco

Think I'm going for a walk now

I feel a little unsteady

I don't want noone to follow me except maybe you

I could make you happy, you know if you weren't already

I could do a lot of things and I do

Tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but I think you two are forever

and I hate to say it, but you're perfect together

So fuck you and your untouchable face

fuck you for existing in the first place

and who am I that I should be vying for your touch

who am I

bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning my gas tank will be empty soon

neon sign on the horizon rubbing elbowes with the moon

safe haven of the sleepless where the deep fryer's always on

radio is counting down top 20 country songs

Out on the porch the fly strip is waving like a flag in the wind

you know I really don't look forward to seeing you again

You look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away

and I won't know what to do and I won't know what to say

Except fuck you and your untouchable face

and fuck you for existing in the first place

and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch

who am I, I bet you cant even tell me that much

I see you when I'm so perplexed

what was I thinking what will I think of next

where can I hide

in the back room there's a lamp that hangs over the pool table

and the fan that's on it swings gently side to side

there's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing

I see orion and say nothing the only thing I can think of saying is

Fuck you and your untouchable face

and fuck you, for existing in the first place

and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch

who am I, I bet you cant even tell me that much

Max5

alright so last night clancy and i were up way way way too late and we had the best conversation ever about max5 chocolate bars. i thought that the outside coating of the max5 peanut butter was caramel but clancy deduced it was peanut butter in the most logical argument of all time:

"i have eaten both the max5 chocolate bar and the maxc5 peanut butter bar. the two bars are exactly the same as far as i can tell, except for the outside coating. therefore, if two bars are exactly the same except for the outside coating, and one is called max5 chocolate, whose outside coating is chocolate, and the other one is called max5 peanut butter, what are you going to assume the outside coating is? caramel? i dont think so. it is definitely peanut butter."

needless to say i still think the outside is caramel but i thought this argument was fantastic. clancy is going to be a wonderful lawyer.

Blur

that is the only word to describe wednesday. yesterday shayla and i got up to so much tomfoolery, i didnt think you could fit so much into one day. ive been trying to upload the pictures we took from the day onto here but they arent working for some inexplicable reason. anyway, it was good times had by all, and its made that much better by the fact that it all means summer is here. highlights include me moaning about nachos and lapdancing all day, shayla getting a ridiculous sunburn, and me filthifying my jeans. since the pictures arent working, i will offer some consolation by posting the most quotable quotes of the day:

"well, if you hadn't hit the bong, i think it would have turned out the same anyway"
-shayla

"my jeans are so gross, they smell like alcohol puke"
-chloé

"we'll get together, take off our tops, and talk about nachos"
-shayla

"it's like the party never stops, we just take breaks for sleep"
-chloé
anyway hopefully ill be able to get the pictures working soon, because as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words, and yesterday was one hell of a day. so thank you shayla, have fun in india, hamilton wont be the same without you, and well get back to this sort of debauchery as soon as you return.

Moisture

Happiness: like stepping out of the shower into steam
Caressing your naked body, condensing in the creases
Filling your lungs, your blood
With Moisture
Love: like walking through morning mist on a foggy day
Touches your face, blinds you a little
Filling your body, your mind
With Moisture
Friendship: like swimming naked before dawn during your freest times
Cold water surrounds your inhibitions, drowns them
You float away, exhilarated
By Moisture
Humanity: mostly water, three quarters they say
Each fluid cell held together by liquid
Filled in solid somehow, takes shape
I am moisture
We are moisture

It Is Well With My Soul

well after nearly having a meltdown this week, having felt like i seriously dropped the ball, i must say that after a good long drive to hamilton and a good long think i am back in the game. im not exactly sure why this is, but i have no complaints, i have totally gotten a grip and i am ready to face exams head on, at least for today. i feel like i have been walking around in a daze for the last couple of weeks and i am just now emerging into the light, returning to reality and happiness and i know everything will be alright. i think this is my final wind, and it couldnt come a moment too soon. in other news, puppy is shedding like a mofo and i need to brush her. now, off i go into the wide wide world of plant physiology, this exam isnt going to know what way is up.

The New Jolene

man shayla thank you and thank you this song took my breath away and it is now seriously impeding my studying because i cant stop listening to it...you got me on my knees, shayla, as always

SAMSON By Regina Spektor

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first

Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

I have to go, I have to go

Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed, not much hair left on his head

Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed

And the history books forgot about us

And the Bible didn't mention us, and the Bible didn't mention us

Not even once

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first

Before the stars came falling on our heads

But they're just old light, they're just old light

Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed, told me that my hair was red

Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed

Oh I cut his hair myself one night, a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light

And he told me that I'd done alright

And he kissed me till the morning light, the morning light

And he kissed me till the morning light

Samson went back to bed, not much hair left on his head

Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed

Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down

Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one

And the history books forgot about us

And the Bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first

Run Away

I tried to sing of joyous times, of sunlight and of love
But the music wasn’t there and my throat gave way
Those songs aren’t ours, they never were
So let’s run away and sing the blues
We’ll take a trip and sleep in old hotel beds and play our guitars
And we’ll sing the blues
You’ll meet women and I’ll avoid men
And we’ll buy each other beer
As we stand up on stage to tell our tale
The only people listening will be drunks with nowhere else to go
But the music will be there and my throat won’t give way
And these will be our joyous times, the sunlight of our souls, with my love for your guitar
The songs will be ours
Because all this voice is good for is the blues
Rattling and deep
We could find happiness
If we ran away to sing the blues

When You're Strange

faces come out of the rain. ah well tonight amit and i went for one of our super fantastic hyper amazing downtown adventures, and let me tell you, the fun didnt stop. first of all, i didnt realise that what i was wearing was really that remarkable, but as soon as we got off the bus i got honked at twice, which amit and i had a good laugh over. then we wandered down king street for a while looking for somewhere to eat and decided that james street was a better bet. so we wandered down james street, where a bunch of creepy creepies cat called me which i didnt appreciate at all and i dont understand why guys do that at all let a lone to a girl who is walking down a street with a guy but, people are strange. anyway so we finally decided to go to gate of india again where we were by far the strangest and funniest customers those people have seen in a long long time. i started off by ordering two drinks for myself as i tend to do when im out, a mango lassi and a gingerale. i guess the server assumed these two drinks were for the two of us because he started to walk away and then amit was like didnt you want the banana lassi and i was like oh right banana and then teh server walked away without asking amit what he wanted .then amit explained that the server was assuming that the drinks were for the both of us and not just for me and i laughed and laughed. this whole thing turned even funnier when the server brought my drinks and amit was liek those are both for her, id like a mango lassi. the server was laughing so hard at us it was awesome. anyway so then our meal progressed relatively normally until the end when the server left us waiting around for like at least half an hour before amit finally went and asked for the bill, and then when he brought it, amit asked to wrap up our BREAD but not our ENTREE and the server laughed at us some more. also i had created a super straw by attaching the two straws from my drinks together, which the server also laughed at us for. anyway i was laughing so hard at the whole thing i had tears coming down my face. so thank you amit, always an adventure when we go out.

Things That Are More Fun Than Studying

1) playing with my piercings
2) talking to puppy
3) watching american pie
4) talking to anyone and everyone on msn
5) talking to anyone and everyone on the phone (please call)
6) going to work
7) dancing
8) sleeping
9) going to the store to buy nestea
10) going to the store to buy cigarettes
11) going to the store to buy powerade
12) making mixed bean and pickle salad
13) spacing out
14) smoking
15) leaving sad sorry voicemails on people's answering machines
16) showering
17) worrying
18) blogging

Dirty Dancing, I Adore Thee

"I'm afraid of what I did, I'm afraid of what I saw, but most of all, I'm afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling again in my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you"

-Baby

Valid Questions

well i ripped this off of daniel wheaton's blog i thought it was interesting and cool so i thought id copy him and do it myself so here we go:
Have I ever...
1. Taken a picture naked? Yes
2. Painted your room? No
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? kissed.... i wouldnt call it making out though
4. Drove a car? Yes
5. Danced in front of your mirror? Yes6
. Have a crush? Yes
7. Been dumped? no
8. Stole money from friend? No
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yes
10. Been in a fist fight? No
11. Snuck out of your house? Yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
13. Been arrested? No
14. Made out with a stranger? no
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Yes
16. Left your house without telling your parents? Yes
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? No
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? yes, but with my mum, not on my own
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
20. Seen someone die? No
21. Been on a plane? Yes
22. Kissed a picture? No
23. Slept in until 3PM? slept? no. stayed in bed? yes
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes
26. Made a snow angel? Yes
27. Played dress up? Yes
28. Cheated while playing a game? Yes
29. Been lonely? Yes
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
31. Been to a club? Yes
32. Felt an earthquake? no
33. Touched a snake? yes
34. Ran a red light? no
35. Been suspended from school? no
36. Had detention? no
37. Been in a car accident? Yes
38. Hated the way you look? Yes
39. Witnessed a crime? Yes
40. Pole danced? No
41. Been lost? Yes
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? No
43. Felt like dying? yes
44. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes
46. Sang karaoke? Yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? Yes
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
50. Kissed in the rain? yes
51. Sang in the shower? Yes
52. Made love in a park? No-made out in a park more than once though
53. Had a dream that you married someone? yes
54. Glued your hand to something? yes
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? No
57. Been a cheerleader? No
58. Sat on a roof top? yes
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? Yes
60. Been too scared to watch scary movies alone? Yes
61. Played chicken? No
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? no
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? hot? no, goregeous once though, does that count
64. Broken a bone? no
65. Been easily amused? Yes
66. Laughed so hard you cry? Yes
67. Mooned/flashed someone? yes, oh yes
68. Cheated on a test? No
69. Forgotten someone's name? Yes
70. Slept naked? Yes
71. Gone skinny dipping? Yes
72. Worn your underwear inside-out by accident? yes
73. Blacked out from drinking? yes
74. Played a prank on someone? Yes
75. Gone to a late night movie? Yes
76. Made love to anything not human? No
77. Failed a class? no
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? No
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? Yes
81. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? No
82. Thrown strange objects? Yes
83. Felt like killing someone? Yes
84. Thought about running away? Yes
85. Ran away? no
86. Done drugs? yes
87. Had detention and not attend it? No
89. Made a parent cry? Yes
90. Cried over someone? Yes
91. Owned more than 5 sharpies?no
92. Dated someone more than once? this is an ambiguous question...ive never gone out with an ex again if thats the question
93. Had a dog? yes
94. Own an instrument? yes
95. Been in a band? Yes
96. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No
97. Broken a cd? Yes
98. Shot a rifle?no

Killing More Time

well i looked at my blogger profile and discovered that 52 other viewings had taken place, and there was nothing in it, so i filled it up with stuff. so all of you who were looking before should look now. in other news, regulatory systems reading is really painful and boring. i also managed to fall asleep at 8 pm last nite, wake up at midnight, decide it wasnt worth it to try and call that a nap and went back to bed, resulting in a total bed time of approximately 12 hours, minus three wakeups in the night. my goodness. disgusting.

Keep On Keeping On

I SHALL BELIEVE: By Sheryl Crow

Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be alright

And I shall believe
I'm broken in two

And I know you're on to me

That I only come home

When I'm so all alone

But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

And I shall believe
Open the door

And show me your face tonight

I know it's true

No one heals me like you

And you hold the key
Never again would I turn away from you

I'm so heavy tonight

But your love is alright

And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me

Please say honestly You won't give up on me

And I shall believe

I shall believe

And I shall believe

Moms Rule

if there is one thing ive learned from living on my own, it is that if i wish it hard enough, my mum always calls. now i realise that i can call her any time, but sometimes you just need your mom to call you. cause if youve got something on your mind that you dont really want to talk about and you call then your mom wants to know why youre calling...but if she calls you then you can just have a regular conversation and feel better without having to bring up whats bothering you at all. and its times like this that i sit home and wish and wish real hard that my mum will call, and she always, always does.

Procrastination And Nostalgia

well i finally got around to tidying up the apartment a little bit, my desk is still a disaster, but one thing at a time, at least i can see the floor again. anyway, as i was cleaning, i put on the goo goo dolls for lack of options, and i got to thinking about my darling girl, kate. oh kate, how i miss you sometimes. with the weather so pretty and the goo goo dolls playing, it took me back to grade eleven, when we used to sit on the front porch drinking litres and litres and litres of iced tea and listening to the goo goo dolls and heart in between bouts of watching judge judy and passions. ah those were the days...we were so carefree. and then we would go on massive treks to pizza hut and rogers video and just waste the summer away, but for the days we had to work. good times. im trying to think of what else we used to do, but i cant remember right now. all i know is there are days where i would give anything just to be back in that time, wasting my summer with you.

You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hello

i am surrounded by mess and emptiness. the air seems more still with so much furniture gone, and i try to imagine all of my belongings packed up into boxes and bags and wrapped in newspaper. i feel overwhelmed by all of the things i have to do, and i can see that the cats know something is different. the echoes in the empty rooms depress me a little as i try to get used to everything. im glad i have to work tomorrow so i can get out of the house, but i need to study and i dont want to. heres to a new beginning i guess.

Clarity

well all i have to say is thank God for Sabrina. there are days when i see her and i feel so guilty for getting paid to be there, because she does more for me sometimes than i could ever do for her. on days like today, i see her and she is so full of happiness, and she always appreciates the small stuff. she knows how to take joy in everythign and she is never cruel or hurtful towards anyone. its at moments like this that i am given a moment of clarity, that i should be more like sabrina, and i realise i should live in each moment and find the joy in everything. and i sing buddy holly to her and she wraps her arms around me as we dance and everything is right in this world for only a moment. Thank God for Sabrina.

Sabrina Fair by John Milton
Song
Sweet Echo, sweetest nymph that liv'st unseen

Within thy airy shell By slow Meander's margent green,

And in the violet-imbroider'd vale

Where the love-lorn nightingale

Nightly to thee her sad song mourneth well:Canst thou not tell me of a gentle pair

That likest thy Narcissus are?

O if thou haveHid them in some flow'ry cave,Tell me but where

Sweet Queen of Parley, Daughter of the Sphere,

So mayst thou be translated to the skies,

And give resounding grace to all heav'ns harmonies.
Song
Sabrina fair

Listen where thou art sitting

Under the glassy, cool, translucent wave,

In twisted braids of lilies knitting The loose train of thy amber-dropping hair;

Listen for dear honour's sake,Goddess of the silver lake,Listen and save.

Listen and appear to us In name of great Oceanus,

By the earth-shaking Neptune's mace,And Tethys' grave majestic pace;

By hoary Nereus' wrinkled look,And the Carpathian wizard's hook;

By scaly Triton's winding shell,And old soothsaying Glaucus' spell;

By Leucothea's lovely hands,And her son that rules the strands;

By Thetis' tinsel-slipper'd feet,And the songs of Sirens sweet;

By dead Parthenope's dear tomb,And fair Ligea's golden comb,

Wherewith she sits on diamond rocks

Sleeking her soft alluring locks;

By all the nymphs that nightly dance

Upon thy streams with wily glance,

Rise, rise, and heave thy rosy head

From thy coral-pav'n bed,

And bridle in thy headlong wave,T

ill thou our summons answer'd have.Listen and save.
Sabrina rises, attended by water-nymphs, and sings
By the rushy-fringed bank,Where grows the willow and the osier dank,

My sliding chariot stays,Thick set with agate, and the azurn sheenOf turkis blue, and em'rald green

That in the channel strays,Whilst from off the waters fleet

Thus I set my printless feetO'er the cowslip's velvet head,

That bends not as I tread;Gentle swain at thy requestI am here.

Prayer

O, God
give me the words to say what i mean, for it to be true, for it to be right. let me know how to express myself in an upright and dignified manner.
give me the wisdom to see what is true, to understand what i see and what i feel. teach me to learn.
give me the strength that i might have the courage to do and believe what is right. i need the strength to stand up under my burdens and to bear their weight and not be afraid of tomorrow.
give me the heart to love completely, to learn to love myself and others, and to understand that people love me in their own ways.
O, God you have given me so many things, please give me the words.

Happy Birthday Tiny Dancer

well a big birthday holla goes out to my sister callie who turns 13 today. damn i remember when you were in diapers. kate and kyle asked me to express how unimpressed they are with how old youre getting, they said thats quite enough. anyway welcome to being a teenager...supposedly the best time of your life, but let me tell you a secret, it ISNT. so welcome to the most hellish and painful years of girlhood, that time when all girls know how to do is be bitchy and two face and so on and so forth. dont worry, it gets much better after high school is over, just be careful of the boys. may you live to forget this night.

Lightning

you came into my life like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but the lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and when you touch me, it is like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but the lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and i could stand and let it rain down on me all fucking day
as i wait for the lightning to come down again
and when you say you love me, it is like lightning
an unexpected white light so fast and bright that fills me with awe and a little bit of fear
but lightning always leaves behind a little bit of thunder
and the heavens, they do rumble
and my insides, they do quake
as i tremble in the rain
and i could stand and let it rain down on me all fucking day
as i wait for the lightning to come down again
cause i always knew there was a lighting bolt waiting to come down and strike me
white hot electricity
if this is what it means to be clean
never stop raining down on me

O, Muse! Why Have You Forsaken Me?

agh. instead of working on biology or doing anything academic, i have spent the last hour reading over my entire blog, except for the first three posts. needless to say, i am more frustrated than a 15 year old with erectile dysfunction. WHY CANT I WRITE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! ive got NOTHING. i havent written a story in ages, and the last poem i attempted was hurting. i feel like i have a story about arden simmering somewhere below the surface, but all i have is images and events no plot, not even by ardens minimalist plot standards. i also want to write another children's story which i have more or less outlined in my head but thats not really bothering me. what happened to arden? and my poetry? there is only two possible explanations i think. 1) i dont have enough going on in my life to inspire me, or 2) i have too much going on in my life and i am missing all of the little things that used to inspire me. needless to say, its jsut unacceptable. or maybe arden is holding me captive... maybe i need to try to write about someone else. maybe i need to start writing from a female point of view or something. have i embraced my feminine side to the point where i cannot write arden anymore? how could this have happened? i am not ready to let go of him yet and i am not ready to concede that my creative peak passed when i was 17 years old. has science sapped me, is that what it is? i dont understand. maybe im dissatisfied with arden or with myself... im having trouble characterizing him which i used to do so easily. have i changed so much that i cannot find the arden in me anymore? perhaps i am overreacting. i havent attempted writing about arden in a long time, so maybe im jumping the gun. i also think a lot if it is to do with the fact that i dont get to see kate as much anymore, her perspective is what i need to write geoff and she is removed from my day to day experiences and also i am forced to hold onto an old idea of her to write geoff but i have all that has happened to me in order to evolve arden. writing has never been work for me. the stories about arden and geoff were always in me to write and they flowed like time passes out of me and im just so frustrated i have the itch but nothing to scratch. AAAAAAAAAAA

Listen To The Music Playing In Your Head

In The Cold, Cold Night

By The White Stripes

I saw you standing in the corner

On the edge of a burning light

I saw you standing in the corner

Come to me again

In the cold, cold night

You make me feel a little older

Like a full grown woman might

But when you're gone I grow colder

Come to me again

In the cold, cold night

I see you walking by my front door

I hear the creaking of the kitchen floor

I don't care what all the people say

I'm gonna love you anyway

Come to me again

In the cold, cold night

I can't stand it any longer

I need your fuel to make my fire bright

So don't fight it any longer

Come to me again

In the cold, cold night

And I know that you feel it too

When my skin turns into blue

You will know that it's warm inside

And you'll come run to me

In the cold, cold night

This One's For You, O Spoiled One

well for some reason that i absolutely cannot figure out, steve asked me to post about the band body count and since hes SPOILED im going to do it. but let me tell you, if i never had to contemplate body count ever again after this, my life would be significantly more enjoyable. anyway, so body count is this terrible band that used to exist, the infamous ice-t was the lead singer and figurehead of the nefarious body count. needless to say, his skills are being put to much better use on law and order, special victims unit, because he doesnt have to do any singing whatsoever on that show. body count sings all sorts of stupid songs, with such lyrical brilliances as "cop killler" and "kkk bitches" my personal favourite is the song that just says "body count, motherfucker" over and over again. anyway, i feel that every moment that is pend thiking about body count is one more moment ill never get back, so im going to end this post now before i start hurting myself in acts of self loathing.

And The Ladies Who Love The Ladies

and now for today. i skipped yoga this morning in order to maximise my sleep because i felt i needed it in my ongoing effort to kill my cold, not to mention i need some staying power to do my homework tonight (which i should be doing now instead of blogging. terrible). although i dont like missing yoga, im glad i did because i feel much better today than yesterday. anyway so after ym 830 i went to the second cup like i always do on mondays to kill the hour i have before my next class. theres this girl who works there who i am pretty sure is a lesbian, shes been there since the end of the summer. shes really nice, kind of shy, but truth be told, i think she kind of admires me from afar and has for a while. shes always really nice to me and if i dont come in for a few days she always asks where ive been. now i realise that this is just friendliness, but a few months ago she had some chocolate covered coffee beans and nuts and stuff behind the counter and she gave me some which i took because it was a nice thing to do. but then, today i was standing there waiting for the guy to make my drink after she had already served me and said have a nice day and stuff and i turn around and shes standing there and she takes my hand and shoves a bunch of easter chocolate into my hand and kind of ran away. i was like thank you and smiled but now im kind of hoping she knows im straight... i dont know what i would do if she asked me out or something because shes a very nice girl indeed and if i was a lesbian i would totally go out with her but i cant help it that im not a lesbian and i would feel really bad hurting her feelings. anyway im sure it wont have to come to that but yes that is the account of my lesbian admirer. go me.

Taking Care of Business

well im sitting here drinking my throat tea and apparently, according to the tea bag, my word is my greatest power. and so, i shall use my super powers to write a blog. yesterday was pretty eventful. first of all i greeted the day at 6, like always on sundays, to discover that whatever microbes are living in jens lungs right now had found their way into my life, and i was headachey, tired, winded, and muscle aching like a mad man. needless to say, i didnt want to go to work, but these things arent really negotiable, so i summoned my walk it off mentality and got my ass down to the fox. once i was changed and ready to go, i was still feeling lousy, so i decided was going to make a consious effort to kill this cold, since i dont have time this week to be sick. not to mention i had supper plans with steve and his mum and stepdad for that evening (details to follow) and i wanted to be not sick in their presence. so, i put on my kitchen sweater, zipped it up, put the hood up and tied it. i then proceeded to work the whole shift in this state in an effort to sweat it out. i also pumped the clear fluids like orange juice and green tea all day, and in between orders i jogged on the spot in front of teh grill to keep my sweat going. it was difficult, because the sickness was making me tired and weak, but i stuck to my mind over matter philosophy and stayed strong. the worst part was just how winded i was while i was trying to cook, that and i think i was feverish off and on all day so it was difficult to even get a sweat going, let a lone keep it up. i also made a point of not eating at all in order to starve the cold and be hungry enough for the dinner plans. this helped a lot i think but it contributed to my weakening. nikolai was good to me and fielded all the questions about my bizarre outfit, james said i looked like a transporter. nikolai said that i transform from a greasy dancing she cook into a red and black haired white stripes fan, which i think isnt really a transformation at all but whatever. anyway so work finally ended and steve picked me up and had his first exposure to my degreasing/humanizing ritual that takes place after work and before i go out. according to him it was "quite a production" which isnt really true but i was back in the game after my shower. i felt much better but i didnt really like my outfit but i was glad i wore it because it covered my forearms well (took a couple of good hits during the tired weakened work shift) and was appropriate for the restaurant. the restaurant had a very nice atmosphere and i enjoyed the company and the conversation once the topic was diverted from seafood and vegetarianism and medical school. i had to be careful not to get tanked off one drink though because as soon as my vodka soda went down i was feeling it since i hadnt eaten anything so i munched on bread and tried to keep my mouth shut until my pasta arrived. the pasta was pretty good, but steve was disappointed with his portion size on his meal which i knew would happen and i felt bad for not suggesting he get a salad which i thought of but didnt vocalise cause im an idiot. anyway after dinner we went and saw teh hills have eyes. see, there are good horror movies and there are bad horror movies. as far as i understand it, good horror movies can be further subdivided into creepy movies that are really quite scary, and realyl gory movies that dont have much of a point but are really bloody but well done. the hills have eyes would fit into the latter. as far as being a complete blood bath it was good and the cinematography was good and it was well done as far as this kind of movie goes. that being said, it was so pointless. the writing was bad, the acting was mediocre, and there was no story or plot at all. none. it was just a spectacle of meaningless violence and debauchery and i couldnt believe how many people left the theatre cause it was grossing them out because it was all so fake and not scary at all. i would liken my opinion on this movie to my opinion on heavy metal. i can appreciate it and i see why other people like it but its so not my thing and yet i keep finding myself watching movies like this and listening to heavy metal for reasons unknown to me. aynway on the whole i had an excellent night and a not so excellent day but im feeling much better today after some shut eye and thats all i have to say about that.

Some Notable Dialogues

well since i havent been posting very often, im sure youre all wondering what ive been up to. the truth is, not much, but i have decided to put some of my more hilarious dialogues down for all to see. so here we go.

steve: what time is it?
chloé: 8:10
steve: is this your idea of sleeping in?
chloé: hell yes

chloé: so today after the lesson we're going to dissect some flowers-
taylor (11 year old child): can we dissect a fetus?
chloé: uh, not today.

amit: why did you throw your tea on the floor?
chloé: i didnt throw my tea on the floor, it fell.
amit: no, i saw you. you did it on purpose
chloé: shut up

clancy: well i need to go to the bank
chloé: shut up let me buy you a sandwich. i still feel bad for blowing you off on tuesday
clancy: so this can be our ad-hoc make up lunch

nikolai: remember the running man?
chloé: that was good times, we should bring that back
(chloé and nik do the running man, bartender looks horrified)
chloé: this is why they keep us in the back
nikolai: yeah weve been out here for like thirty seconds and we've already managed to make complete fools of ourselves
chloé: go us

owen: why dont you go hug a tree you dirty hippy
chloé: why dont you go hug your mom, shes the only one who loves you

chloé: so nik, my mum wanted me to tell you she thinks your hot
nik: what (looks embarassed)
chloé: i told you shes a milf. but ive been thinking about it and you can marry my mum when my dad dies thats ok with me.
nik: ok thats just wrong

chloé: well i told nik that he can have my mum when my dad dies, so he won't be alone forever
jill: aww well thats nice.
chloé: yes. i know that nikolai will be a good father to me
nikolai: ok our relationship has reached a level that is so out of touch with reality that it doesnt even make sense any more

steve: i wish i lived in the marvel universe. i would take you with me chloé
chloé: would i be a princess
steve: yes

My Cup Runneth Over Again

today while i was at sabrina's, i was watching her dance to my natalie merchant cd and i was so full of joy. i almost fell to my knees thanking God for all of the things in my life right now. i am so thankful for my mother, who has guided me through so much; for kate, my darling girl who will always be there to plant both of my feet firmly back on the ground; for jen, who understands the importance of watching forrest gump two or three times a week; for my jobs, i love them both so and sabrina is a light in my life; and for steve, who wandered into my life as unexpectedly as a warm autumn breeze, but whose welcome comfort has been caressing my life incessantly ever since. i am so undeserving of all of these blessings and i hope that i will never forget how happy i felt today, because there will come a time when i am being tested again and i want to look back on this time in my life for strength, to remember that there is always a better tomorrow, as i am learning in this day, this perfect day, that i exist in now.

Bridges

well today i went to bridges, the all vegetable-tarian eatery on campus for my second time ever. the food there actually isnt very good and i only went cause i was planinng on going to the greenhouse right after, but that fell through and is another story to be told another time. anyway so i got the special of the day at bridges which consisted of four spring rolls, a gigantic samosa, a salad, and four little falafels. the whole thing was pretty tasteless except for the spring rolls which were very MSG, not cool. but the tamarind sauce was good and the salad was fresh, plus teh samosa was nice and filling... just not tasty enough. i also got a drinking box with strawberry soy milk in it... ive never had the strawberry before. it was good but i always feel like milk and milk like products on campus are never cold enough. they have to be so cold. i was also amazed at this guy in front of me who got the same meal, but he also got a huge bowl of pasta and an extra spring roll and a bunch of little samosas, and he ate it all. it was incredible, watching him put away all that food, and i was a little jealous. anyway the one thing i really did like about bridges was the atmosphere, which is why i went in the first place. theres something about bridges that just makes a vegetarian feel safe. its so dark and quiet and i love how EVERYTHING on the menu is vegetarian, you arent stuck wondering if chicken stock has made its way into your food or feeling guilty about food being cooked on the same grill as meat or being forced to be a pain in the ass by modifying the menu all over the place. its so gratifying to read a whole menu and be like i will have this please, and you can be talking about any item and you dont even have to give it a closer look or a second thought. theres just something about being there that seperates you from the world and you feel so apart and among your people and the people who are there who arent vegetarian are getting a taste of your lifestyle for a change and its them who feels a little out of place, a little odd. and theres a strange kind of comfort in that for me. i dont know why. but i like it.